Melky Cabrera seemed too perfect. The costumes, the All-Star Game MVP, becoming a fan favorite ... it was all too good to be true. It seemed like the whole story was contrived in a focus group. And that makes me think of Poochie.
If you're not a Simpsons hound, none of this will make sense. But I'm not apologizing for that. You're probably a horrible person.
Lincecum: Um, excuse me sir. The thing is, there's not really anything wrong with the Giants' roster. It's as good as ever. In a way. But after so many years, the hitters just can't have the same impact they never had.
Sabean: That's it! That's it, little girl! You've saved the Giants!
Lincecum: But I'm not …
A lawyer enters the room, holding papers
Lawyer: Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save the Giants.
Lincecum: Wait, why are these titled "Dissolution of 2013 Contract?"
Lawyer: /throws smoke bombs
Sabean (at focus group): They like Buster, they like Timmy ... one kid seems to love Brett Pill.
Goldfarb: Excuse me, but "clutch" and "contract year"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb GMs use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. I'm fired, aren't I?
Baer: No, no, no! He was supposed to have attitude.
Sabean: Um... wh-what do you mean, exactly?
Baer: Oh, you know, attitude, attitude! Uh ... crotch chops!
Charles Johnson: Can we put him in more of a "San Francisco fans dressing up in stupid costumes" context?
Bochy: Forget context, he's gotta be a switch-hitter. Give me a nice shmear of switch-hitter.
Baer: I feel we should Dominicanify him by ... ten percent or so.
Sabean redraws Melky. They're still not totally satisfied.
Baer: Hmm... I think he needs a little more attitude.
Sabean draws a picture of Jonathan Sanchez getting into a taxi.
Baer: Oh yeah, bingo. There it is, right there!
Bochy: Yeah, that's it!
Cain: Hey, Tim, look! They're adding a new outfielder to the Giants! Melky Cabrera?!
Lincecum: Adding a new outfielder is often a desperate attempt to boost low television ratings.
A guy enters the clubhouse.
Pagan: Yo, yo! How's it hangin' everybody?
McCovey Chronicles: Hi. Question for Mr. Sabean. In the 2011 season, when Melky supposedly had a career year, he had the same plate discipline and power from previous years, but his batting average on balls in play was inflated tremendously. I mean, what are we to believe, that he is some sort of a ... (sniggering) … magic hitter or something? Boy, I really hope somebody gets fired for this blunder.
Bochy: I'll field that one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "World Champion" spend all of his time on a baseball blog for complete nerds?
McCovey Chronicles: (embarrassed) I withdraw my question.
McCovey Chronicles: /eats lunch and comments on it
Melky Cabrera: Hello there, Giants fans. I know there's a lot of people who don't like me and wish I were Carlos Beltran. I think we got off on the wrong foot. I know I can come off a little clutch, and for that I'm not sorry. But if everyone could find a place in their hearts for the little outfielder that nobody wanted, I know we can rake and rake until we win the World Series and get rich.
Note: Melky was suspended on the way back to his home planet