They need me. America needs me. I will not let them down. I will prevail. As soon as this vomit on my back is wiped up, I will prevail.
Four of the nine players on the field in the bottom half of the 2012 All-Star Game will be San Francisco Giants. No, no. Don't laugh. Don't chortle or snigger or whatever you were doing just there. This isn't funny. The All-Star Game isn't just an exhibition. World Series are won and lost based on the outcomes of All-Star Games. This is serious business.
As such, it is wholly inappropriate for the San Francisco Giants to monopolize the Midsummer Classic. There's nothing we can do now. I wrote some letters, sent some e-mails, but I never heard back. We're stuck with this embarrassing, gauche display of San Francisco Giants.
This reflects on you as a fan. As a person. This is important. All of this is very, very important. So here are some dos and don'ts with regard to the 2012 All-Star Game
Do wonder after every Matt Cain pitch what R.A. Dickey would have thrown. If you're watching the game with someone else, openly say, "Huh. Oooookaaaaay. I guess that's one way to pitch. Wonder what Dickey would have thrown there?" When your companion says "Probably a knuckleball", say something like, "Yeah, you're probably right. Dammit. Man, I wish it were Dickey pitching right now"
Do eat pages of Ball Four as penance, choking the dry paper down without the aid of water, and apologizing to knuckleballers past and present while flogging yourself with a broken Sega Genesis controller.
Do stare at pictures of David Wright making David Wright Face when Pablo Sandoval is hitting, then spit and make a sign of the cross whenever Sandoval doesn't make David Wright Face while fielding.
Do apologize to Timo Perez for all of the nasty things you said about him over the years, and realize that bad karma is why Giants fans were put in this spot.
Don't enjoy any of this.
Don't ignore the complains of fans around the league. Respond to each of them personally on Twitter or on team message boards. Apologize to all of them on behalf of Giants fans. Call in sick tomorrow if you have to.
Don't say nasty things about Edgardo Alfonzo. Mets fans still love him, you know. Don't intimate that a single Kleenex used by Andres Torres is somehow worth more to Giants fans than the entire three-plus years of Alfonzo's Giants career.
Don't shave your cat's tail and tape the shavings in the shape of a mustache to a pillow and yell "I HATE YOU, MIKE PIAZZA. YOU DIE FOR YOUR SINS NOW" while stabbing the pillow with an apple corer in front of your ex-girlfriend who dropped by to see how things were going. Just … seriously, don't. I've been around the block a few times, trust me.
Or, you could just watch the game, enjoy the fact that the Giants are popular now, marvel in the talent the team currently has, get annoyed that the league leader in ERA wasn't invited to the game, and not give an absolute shit what anyone else thinks. Why should you?
Who cares? Who cares that the Giants got 17 percent less respect after 2010 compared to other recent champions? Who cares that Mets fans are angry about David Wright, or that R.A. Dickey is going to pitch the third or fifth inning instead of the first? Who cares what Sandy Alderson thinks? Who cares if ESPN or Fox does whatever with the something and doesn't show the other of whatever?
And, really, who cares about the All-Star Game? What have we become? You could be calling your mother right now. Go on. She misses you.
It's a good time to be a Giants fan. I'm not apologizing for it. You shouldn't apologize for it. Most importantly, you shouldn't care what people think. This is new to them, too. They're used to Skance DeYankee getting voted onto every All-Star team, even if he a .124 batting average. They're used to Phillies fans and Red Sox fans metaphorically lighting their farts when everyone else in baseball is trying to be serious and respectful. This West Coast bully is a new species. Other species will adapt. Hopefully, we don't ruin the ecosystem like a bunch of cain toads.
I'm still not comfortable with the newly relevant and occasionally arrogant Giants fan. I grew up being ignored! No one cared about the team I rooted for. It was safe in that dark, dank hole. All these bright lights and contracting pupils ... it burrrrrns.
But in the end, I'll probably watch this All-Star Game like I always have, which is as a person who is partial to the Giants. That's how I'll watch the playoffs, the World Series, and the next few thousand games over the next few decades, and I won't really care about the stupid things other people write about the Giants. You shouldn't either. Focus on the stupid things I write about the Giants. At worst, most of those other things will just make us chortle and snigger.