The Cincinnati Reds are coming to town, and it's a battle of first-place teams, seeing as the Giants are now tied for first place after holding the Los Angeles Dodgers scoreless for an entire series, the first time the Giants have done that since 1954, when …
Right. The Reds. Sorry about that.
The Cincinnati Reds are in first place in the National League Central. They have not yet played the Los Angeles Dodgers, which is certainly something that you can't say about the Giants, who swept the Dodgers in a recent three-game series, holding their rivals scoreless and moving into a first-place t …
Dang. Did it again. All I want to talk about is that Giants/Dodgers series. I don't want to preview another series with a team from another division. I want time to stop. Freeze this moment just a little bit longer. Make each sensation a little bit stronger. I spent 19 minutes deciding whether or not to make an Out of This World reference or a Rush reference, and with this sentence, I've managed to do both.
That was one of the first images I ever put up at McCovey Chronicles. Can't remember why. Apparently, I've mentioned Out of This World before. But that picture did lead me to the old image archive, which I'd forgotten until now!
See? That's a totally real picture of Matt Cain's profile on a tortilla which I'd completely forgotten about until now. I'm thinking I could charge for admission to see the tortilla. Or maybe I could just make money off t-shirts and stuff that I sell to the pilgrims. Or perhaps …
Dammit. The Reds. Off track again. Look, I just don't want to talk about another series. It doesn't feel right. Are we that disposable of a society? Is everything we truly love that transient and ephemeral? Is life just a progression from want to want? Screw this, I'm staying right here in post-sweep bliss.
Alright, fine. You'll get your Reds/Giants series preview. But it's not going to be good. Here's a list of all the things I know about the Cincinnati Reds. This is it.
1. Paul O'Neill broke up a no-hitter against Scott Garrelts in 1990, and I still hold a grudge.
2. Ricky Pickett came over in the Deion Sanders trade, and I always thought he was going to be a good lefty out of the pen. Pickett. Not Sanders.
3. Joey Votto is the best hitter in baseball.
4. Regardless of #3, this GIF will never get old:
5. Christy Mathewson threw a complete game for the Reds in 1916. It was the only game he didn't pitch in a Giants uniform.
6. The 1991 Reds had Ted Power, Kip Gross, and Milt Hill in the same bullpen. This is amusing to me for some reason, but more importantly, it made the Reds especially easy to replicate in Baseball Stars.
8. I also made this a long time ago.
9. The team color of the Reds is red.
10. I think Dusty Baker manages the team now.
That's it. That's everything I know about the Reds. I looked online and everything. They're in first place, and they're presumably talented, and for the last two seasons, they've demolished the Giants in Cincinnati, and they have Mat Latos, and ...
Wait! That's it! Consider the following:
Whereas: Johnny Cueto kicked Jason LaRue in the face and ended his career.
Whereas: Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting last year. I mean, I'm not one to moralize, and I'm certainly not comfortable playing armchair psychologist, but keep this in mind for the overall point of this official resolution. Also note that the picture Google uses when you search for him is his mugshot
Whereas: Reports out of Cincinnati suggest that Mat Latos still looks and acts like the bully from Karate Kid
Whereas: This is Bronson Arroyo covering a Goo Goo Dolls song:
Resolved: The Cincinnati Reds have the most unlikable rotation in the history of baseball.
Seriously. I'm sure there was an old-timey pitcher named Misogyny Stutes, and he probably played with Picks His Toes When He Wears Sandals In Public McGary. They were still far, far more likable than the four pitchers the Giants will face in this series.
So as a way to come down from the opiates of the Dodgers series, this can act like a methadone of hate. You just have to pretend. Like, completely suspend everything you know and pretend you can muster up some feelings about this series.
Yeah, I can't do it either. Luckily we're not the ones playing baseball. The Giants won't have the same letdown the fans will. I mean, I don't think they will. I mean, they should. Oh, god, what if they do?
Come back, Dodgers series. You were my everything. I just want to cuddle a little bit more. Can I make you breakfast? Okay. Call me.
Hitter to watch:
Oh, Joey Votto. So, so good. He's one of the non-Giants that I'm kind of obsessed about, and I write about him a lot over at Baseball Nation. The American League has had their Jose Bautistas and Josh Hamiltons doing crazy things for prolonged periods, but this is the first one the NL has had since Pujols.
He makes me want to use Javier Lopez as a starter in all five games.
Pitcher to watch:
See the above. Please don't make me write about Mat Latos again.
The Reds will score a run, which will make this series inherently less fulfilling than the last series, in which the Giants held the Dodgers scoreless for three straight games and ended up in a first-place tie.