Things I Learned at the Giants' Online Store

Over on Baseball Nation, I wrote something about the stupid baseball-related things you can buy on MLB.com. The feature tanked. So when something tanks like that, I like to revisit the subject right away out of spite. It's like hanging a curve, and then going right back to the curve for the very next pitch. Like that, but with spite and disdain for my readers.

That, and I'm out of ideas for the moment. Unless you want to read another What's Wrong With Lincecum? article. Yeah. So I would like to present the Giants-related things I learned during my search through the MLB.com shop.

Buster Posey looks like Matt Williams after a bee sting

I guess I don't expect bobbleheads to look like real people. They're cartoony and silly, so when you see something like this, it freaks you out and haunts your waking moments, sure, but you understand that they really aren't going for an accurate likeness. That's not the point of bobbleheads.

But McFarlane figurines are supposed to be something that serious collectors display. I mean, I think. No idea what the market for these things are. But look at this Buster Posey figurine:


Matt Williams after a bee sting. And the head is out of proportion to the body, I think. But the face is the most egregious thing here. And I feel like they were going for accuracy, here. The Ryan Howard one is still terrifying, but it almost kinda sorta looks like him, and there's no question who this is supposed to be. But it's like the artist couldn't stare directly at a picture of Posey without a pair of special sunglasses, so he just said "Screw it."

They sell dirt

It's the new thing. Dirt from AT&T Park in a keychain. Dirt in some coasters. Dirt from AT&T Park on a plaque. Dirt at the bottom of an Aaron Rowand picture?


Dirt at the bottom of an Aaron Rowand picture. And I think this is a bong or something that lets you smoke the dirt, hallucinate, and chase Rusty the Mechanical Man around your apartment all night.

There are people who click Facebook like buttons for anything

On every product page, someone thought to themselves, "Boy oh boy, I have to tell those people from high school about this".


Is it weird that they specify that it's goat leather for that wallet? I feel that it's weird they specify that it's goat leather. Just leather is probably fine, right?

This is for sale


I'll take six.


Awwww. The one item that is not liked. :(

You can buy a Giants couch for $900

Teflon® coated clips prevent noise even during the passion of a big at bat!

Oh.

I think I want to get a Kickstarter going so I can buy one of these and get it in my house while my wife is at work, just so I can film the reaction when she gets home. Who's in? Just PayPal the money to my e-mail address until I get the Kickstarter going.

This is going to be great, guys.

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