WHAT THE CRAP THAT'S THE GUY FROM TRAIN WITH JASON GRILLI, AND THEY'RE BOTH WEARING PIRATES JERSEYS THOSE TURNCOATS - Jared Wickerham
Warning: None of this will mean anything by May.
Oh, the bittersweet end of the Winter Meetings. The good news is there won't be as many stupid rumors. The bad news is there won't be as many stupid rumors. You won't even know you're missing it until it's too late.
There's still some drama! Jason Grilli is picking his team soon. JASON GRILLI IS PICKING HIS TEAM SOON. Get that out of your mouth and listen, son. Jason Grilli is about to talk.
Jason Grilli will decide between Cubs, Blue Jays, Giants and Pirates at 10 am, or earlier if one goes to 3 years— Peter Gammons (@pgammo) December 6, 2012
/finally cancels custom Grilli jersey order that's been sitting in the SFGiants.com cart for 13 years
/buries laptop under several inches of soil
But the Giants do need another reliever, and Grilli really did strike out almost 14 batters for every nine innings he pitched. Plus, I have fan-fic all ready to go if he signs. There was a meeting of the Giants' pitching prospects in '00, and a Galadriel-like character gave them all gifts before they went on a harrowing journey, and Ryan Vogelsong came back first, but the World Series was just the end of the first chapter, because Jerome Williams gets claimed on waivers in August to make a spot start, and Jesse Foppert comes back as a first baseman, and Grilli …
Well, I'll just save it for when Grilli signs with the Giants.
With my preferred right-hander going to another team, most likely, that gives us a chance to rank the right-handed relievers on the market in order of preference. And you thought today was going to be boring. Ready?
1. Jason Grilli
2. Brian Wilson
3. Scott Atchison
4. LaTroy Hawkins
5. Ramon Ramirez
6. Jeremy Accardo
7. Jamey Wright
8. Livan Hernandez
Also, I'm restricting the list to ex-Giants. Which isn't really helpful. But it is amusing. The rankings are legit, though! Right about Ramon Ramirez, we're in do-not-want territory. Above that line? Sure. Remember, we're talking about the honorary Clay Hensley/Guillermo Mota spot from last year.
But it would probably be a better idea to rank my ten favorite right-handed relievers in order of preference. You can look at the list here and yell at me for missing your favorite option. For example, I'm not going to list Kyle Waldrop even though he's on the list, mostly because he's clearly a NASCAR driver. But maybe you're big into the Kyle Waldrop scene! To each his own.
Note: these rankings do take cost into consideration. I'd prefer Rafael Soriano to most of these options, but he's going to make way too much.
1. Mike Adams
Had surgery for thoracic outlet syndrome in September, which is bad. But he should be cheap now, which is good! If he's just looking for a one-year deal to build his value back up, he'd be perfect.
2. Peter Moylan
Sidearmer. Throws funny. Awful peripherals that don't match up with his ERA. Hurt for most of last year. But he'd be fun to watch, at least.
3. Jason Grilli
Already 37, but he just broke through in the big leagues. Maybe this is coloring my judgement, but I'd like to see him in the seventh inning with Affeldt.
4. Brian Wilson
He'll be too expensive compared to a lot of these options, and there would be a Smith/Kaepernick battle for the closer's role, but he was really, really good when he was healthy.
5. Jon Rauch
He'll probably get paid too much. But in case he doesn't, he'd be almost ideal in the Mota/Hensley role. I'd like to see him carry Tim Lincecum around in a backpack like Yoda.
6. Scott Atchison
No, really! He hasn't been bad at just about any level since 2004, but he keeps getting hosed by teams. He pitched 51 innings for the Red Sox last year with a 1.58 ERA, and he still got the smell-you-later treatment.
7. Brandon Lyon
Assuming he takes, like, a 70-percent pay cut, he'd be a much better Mota than Mota.
8. Matt Lindstrom
He isn't walking nearly as many people as he used to, and he looked good when he was with the Diamondbacks.
9. Jason Frasor
Strikeout stuff. Still wild. Smells like feathers, maple syrup, and Geddy Lee by now.
10. Manny Acosta
Hahaha, you're still reading this. Okay, Manny Acosta was wild and horrible last year (6.46 ERA!) but much better the previous two seasons. Worth an invite to camp, at least, to see if they can Casilla him up.
Rosterbation resin gets you half as high and a big ol' headache, but it's better than nothing. If you have a pet reliever, please drop a name in the comments. No name is too small! Except for Kyle Waldrop. That's where the line is drawn.