Diamondbacks trade the monster under our bed

Mark J. Rebilas-US PRESSWIRE

Trevor Bauer is gone.

The Diamondbacks traded their former first-rounder for Didi Gregorius, Tony Sipp, and Lars Anderson. And it's a damn shame. Trevor Bauer might not be any good, mind you. Didi Gregorius might be excellent, even though he has the inherent disadvantage of being made up. For years and years, we might be forced to shake our fists toward the heavens after another Gregorius play up the middle. "Gregorius!", we'll shout with an unintentional Ricardo Montalbán inflection.

Didi Gregorius.

But Bauer scared and fascinated me more than any other prospect in a long, long time. He scared me more than Clayton Kershaw did, which probably says more about my scouting abilities than anything. There were all sorts of legends and omens about Bauer. For one, he was Tim Lincecum's fault, so every win Bauer got against the Giants would feel like debt service paid against Lincecum's awesomeness.

Then there was the other stuff. He would play long toss from 466.69 feet away, for example. How do we know exactly how far?

"It's 330 feet down both lines, so it's 330 times root 2,'' he said, pulling out his smartphone. He called up the calculator accessory and punched in 330 times the square root of two. "That's 466.69 feet.''

He would put YouTube videos of his crazy pitches/mechanics up on YouTube in super-duper-slow motion. He was just a fascinating prospect.

But here's what we're missing the most: Apparently, he's a bit of an ass. His Twitter account was annoying enough to melt plastic, and then there was this. I think the kids call them joints? Anyway, he dropped that joint, and suddenly it was clear: He has more than a touch of the Latos in him.

Which is kind of what the Giants needed. Kershaw is too nice. They need a villain for the Latos sequel -- a kid who's smarter, and who stole blueprints from our hero's secret fort and improved upon them, but who's still an unqualified ass. Bauer would have done just fine.

Instead, Bauer is on the Indians, where he will find a new definition of pain and suffering as he is digested over a thousand years. The ignominious end to Bauer's career is very much like that of Boba Fett. But he's so mysterious and impressive! What do you mean he's being eaten by a Venus sand trap/on the Indians? This could have been material for years!

The good news is that the Diamondbacks gave Bauer up for pennies on the dollar, probably because the entire organization was tired of him. And just like that, Latos 2.0 is gone.

It's bittersweet. I didn't want him to mow down Giants, but I wanted the experience of another rival to loathe. Instead we have, what, Wade Miley? The next opinion I have on him will be my first. He seems like the kind of guy who would say things like, "Hi, I'm Wade Miley." He's no Bauer.

Which is good. And bad. The important thing is that Didi Gregorius can't really hit.

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