Guide to offseason truths

Kyle Terada-US PRESSWIRE

There are probably a few of you who are more than a little perturbed that the offseason has devolved into rosterbatory fantasies. The Giants just won the World Series, after all. Where's my 15,000-word paean to Ryan Theriot's feathered hair? Wait, is that a post on Ichiro? Who in the hell cares? What of Angel Pagan serving tacos in Redwood City? Where's the first-person account, dammit? Where's the review of the new gourmet offerings at Taco Bell? I heard there's real guacamole, you know.

To which I respond: Yeah, I feel the same way. But I also know what it's like to think of a topic in January and February. There's the time for the retrospectives to bloom. But right now there are players who will never be Giants, and it is our sacred duty to imagine what it would be like if they were Giants. It doesn't matter if they win it all. We need to think about B.J. Upton or some such, dang it. That's how it always is, and it's how it always shall be.

There's a problem, though. As of this writing, the last Giants-related update on MLB Trade Rumors was four days ago. It noted the Giants weren't interested in Melky Cabera (which we figured), and that the Giants were interested in Angel Pagan (which we figured). Where are the Greg Maddux rumors of yore? Remember those? Exciting times.

Absent any rumors, though, we'll have to make stuff up. Making up actual rumors will come later -- "heard that BRANDON BELT could be moved for A FAMOUS THIRD BASEMAN which would allow PANDA to move across the diamond" -- but for now, we'll make up a Handy Guide of Offseason Truths.

There is no room in the rotation

I guess there's a chance that some team would trade a top prospect or two for a $20-million Tim Lincecum, which would open up a spot and some money. But there certainly isn't a good chance. The Giants wouldn't move a fan-favorite like Lincecum unless the return was something worth the PR hit. A team wouldn't move their top prospects for an expensive enigma who will be a free agent after the season.

There's a similar conundrum with Barry Zito. The Giants would have to eat a huge chunk of money to move Zito -- $10 million? $15 million? -- and all that would do is leave them with a few million in savings to find a new fifth starter. And teams wouldn't give up value for Zito; they would figure their part of the deal came with absorbing any of the contract at all.

So free-agent pitchers and trades? Pfffft.

There are two premium free agents. The Giants are right not to care about either

Zack Greinke is the pitcher, and you can refer to the first point up there. Josh Hamilton is the second one, and I'm interested in reading your argument for why the Giants should sign him. Just put the words "erection", "£50,000,000", and "DISCOUNT PHARMACEUTICALS" in the subject line, and my Gmail will forward it to the proper department.

Other than those two, though, I'm pretty confident the Giants would at least consider anyone else

I don't think anyone's going to get too much more than Aaron Rowand money, at least not at the positions the Giants are looking. So when it comes to Nick Swisher rumors, Michael Bourn rumblings, or Shane Victorino gurglings, I can believe anything.

Also, we're still using the term "Aaron Rowand money" five years later, and it's just as ridiculous.

Shane Victorino smells like a combination of entrails and your vanishing sense of self-worth. The inevitable rumors of him coming to the Giants will haunt your dreams.

This is entirely true, independently verified, and it's a necessary follow-up to the above.

The Giants can't swing a big trade because they lack the prospects

I would sell you -- the person reading this -- into intergalactic slavery in exchange for Giancarlo Stanton on the Giants. The lemur-like Fnglxx would use you to harvest sentinel-poppies, and they have the technology to make you nearly immortal, so it's not like we're talking about a decade or two of intergalactic slavery. It would be centuries and centuries of toiling work. Your brain would turn into powder, and you would be nothing more than a flesh-and-exoskeleton automaton for the rest of your days.

But, c'mon. Giancarlo Stanton.

The problem with a real-life offer for someone like that, though, is the Giants don't have that Zack Wheeler-type prospect to dangle as a centerpiece. The best prospects in the system are speculative types, and it's possible that the organization won't get a representative in the top 100 prospects this year.

So unless you're willing to part with Madison Bumgarner -- and Brandon Belt, I guess -- there isn't a whopper of a deal worth contemplating.

Marco Scutaro will re-sign with the Giants

I'm not crazy, right? This feels like one of those Mariano Rivera things. Rivera has been a free agent three or four times, but it never seemed possible for him to sign with another team. Considering the team's need, the fans' affection, and the overall codyrossimilitude, it doesn't seem possible for him or the team to find a better fit.

This could just be fanboy projection, but I'm also pretty sure the Giants will overpay. The extra money will go to the Not Bringing Back Ryan Theriot To Start Fund.

So when you're refreshing MLB Trade Rumors for the next month, keep the above in mind. Or don't! Just make up a bunch of stuff. That's all we're really doing here anyway.

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