Fat. Fat. Fat.
How fat are they?
Prince Fielder is so fat, he covers first base and second base at the same time.
Joaquin Benoit leads the league in hamburgers.
Delmon Young is only the team's designated hitter because "designated fatty" isn’t a position, even in the weak-ass American League.
Jose Valverde. There’s another fatty. A fatty who can’t close the door when his team is winning because he can't fit through the door. He gets winded just thinking about all those times he’s blown saves.
Miguel Cabrera isn't just fat. He also wins the triple crown for assholery: he’s a drunk, belligerent, wife beater. Worse than that: he can't field a baseball to save his life. But if you throw him a doughnut, he’s all over it.
Detroit hasn’t beaten its opponents so far. It’s just eaten them.
Also, Jim Leyland has lung cancer. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Also, one of their pitchers in named Fister.
Also, Sparky Anderson liked to kick puppies, Hank Greenberg had the genitalia of a Ken doll, and Ty Cobb was a coprophiliac.
Giants in five.