Here's how bad the Giants' offense is: I just spent five minutes matching up the contracts of Aaron Rowand and Chone Figgins. Maybe if the Mariners kicked in a couple of million, and maybe if the Giants werOHGODWHATAMIDOING? That wouldn't solve a thing. That would be Steve Finley for Edgardo Alfonzo times a million, only twice as annoying.
There is no fixing the Giants' offense. The Giants' hitters need to get better. You don't throw a truffle on top of a haggis smoothie and call it gourmet, and you don't give away prospects to get Jose Reyes if this steaming lineup is what he's joining.
Instead, the only thing we can do is stare at the flaming wreckage and see if when we close our eyes, pretty patterns emerge on the backs of our eyelids. Oooooh. So pulsey.
The top seven things that are wrong with the Giants' offense:
7. Bruce Bochy is weird
Right now, Aaron Rowand is driving around thinking about how he can't hit right-handed pitchers anymore. He tried to place "ICANTHITRIGHTIES" illegally in a clubhouse Scrabble game as a cry for help. He can't hit right-handed pitchers. But Bochy'll run him out there whenever. Also Tejada hitting second is just strange. It's not even worth getting mad over; it's worth studying.
All told, though, a manager's decisions aren't the most important thing wrong with this offense. Not really close, either. Just worth pointing out that the dude is weird.
6. Pat Burrell isn't playing, nor is he very good when he is
The Giants got hot when they got Burrell, who was the first legitimate middle-of-the-order guy since Bonds left. Now, though, all Burrell can do is work a well-timed walk -- his slugging percentage is lower than Freddy Sanchez's. It's tough to complain that he's not playing over Nate Schierholtz. Rowand, sure, but I'll take Nate's glove to go along with the non-hitting.
5. Miguel Tejada is probably not as good as he was during his MVP season
This is an opinion formed after careful consideration. I'm thinking that Tejada is in for a slow, painful decline over the next few years.
4. Brandon Belt is hurt
I really think Bochy was going to maybe think about possibly getting around to seeing if there was a way to potentially put Belt in the lineup on a regular basis. There was a chance. But Belt's injury hosed any chance of that.
3. Buster Posey is hurt
He's not the best fit as a cleanup hitter, but he's a good hitter. If he were a left fielder, his bat would be missed. Now that it's replaced with Eli Whiteside (lower OPS than Jonathan Sanchez and Madison Bumgarner, though he just beats out Ryan Vogelsong), it's really, really missed.
2. Pablo Sandoval is hurt
I was believing. I didn't care about the hurtful comparisons between April 2010 and April 2011. I was sold. A thinner Panda was a happier Panda was a more productive Panda. Part of the reason that I was so excited about the Giants' offense before this year started was that the Giants would have Cody Ross and Posey for a full year, Belt would be up, and Panda would be awesome. Yeah.
1. Aubrey Huff is terrrrrrible
Well, I don't know if he's really this bad. Maybe that should read he's "been" terrible. But the Giants were expecting a first baseman. They've been getting Eugenio Velez and Rey Sanchez. Maybe Huff will rebound a bit, if not to 2010 heights, to 2007 competence. The Giants had better hope so because if he doesn't, he might be the least valuable player in the majors, which he was in 2009. So it's possible.
There really isn't a lot the Giants can do with a lot of these, especially with 2. through 4. The Giants just have to get Pablo and Belt back, figure out how to let Tejada down easy, and hope that guys like Huff and Burrell do what they were supposed to. You know, sounds simple when you put it like that.