Recently, Grizzlie Antagonist did a great job of point out the levels of hypocrisy Grant has sunk to in his neverending quest to suck up to the Giants. What some of you may not know is that the feud between Grant and GA goes back many years - all the way back, in fact, to the fateful season of 1995, when Matt Williams went down to injury and was replaced by an unlikely candidate - one Mike Benjamin, who responded by going on an offensive tear that set all-time records. Posting on alt.sports.baseball.sf-giants, a young Grant clung to his defense of Williams as the "best #5 hitter in baseball," despite the incredible accomplishments of Benjamin. Grizzlie Antagonist - then posting as "Firebird Flambé" - took grave offense, calling Grant a sycophant and Bob Quinn apologist who had "lost his edge." After copying and pasting Grant's legendary mid-1994 screed, "Todd Benzinger: Super-star or Stupid-star?" GA ripped Grant to shreds on the Williams/Benjamin issue. For those of you whose Internet Giants fandom doesn't go back this far, I've taken the liberty of digging up GA's legendary takedown. Here you go:
asbsfg: Obviously, Matt Williams (masturbates furiously) is the Best 5th Hitter in the Game today. He’s (sign of the cross) our best third baseman since Chris Brown. He is worth (eating own boogers) 600 At--bats Per Season. OK, he’s overpaid. He’s owed millions of dollars - we're talking Howard Johnson money here. But that’s all the more reason why the Giants can’t let him go.
Voice of Sanity: Well…
asbsfg: And this topic is not open for discussion. If you make trouble by saying anything bad -- anything bad at all against Our Baldy -- I will call upon my Dick Armey to cut a fart in your general direction. I will have them taunt you a second time. Or better still, we’ll all treat you like someone who talks about "points" and "overtime" in the context of a baseball setting.
Sanity: Matt Williams…
asbsfg: Isn’t he WONDERFUL? He’s (gargles unintelligibly) the Best 5th Hitter in the Game today! He’s (touching scrotum)A Proven Winner. And he is worth (fingering rosary) 600 At Bats Per Season! And he’s owed enough money to sign Joe Orsulak and David Segui!
Sanity: Mike Benjamin…
asbsfg: You see, you’re making trouble!!!! You’re using the M Word! You’re using the B Word! Troops! Troops! We have a "MB" troublemaker on our hands!
Sanity: But Benjamin…
asbsfg: I’ll bet you think that he’s a good hitter, don’t you?
Sanity: I don’t know, but…
asbsfg: Hey everybody! Stupid here thinks that He Whose Pointed Chin Shall Not Be Mentioned is a good hitter.
Don’t you realize that…that HITTER you’re talking about is the beneficiary of a "Small Sample Size"? Small Sample Size! Small Sample Size! Don’t you realize that "Small Sample Sizes" are worthless?
Sanity: OK, but are you completely discounting his performance against the Expos and Cubs the last three days? I mean, absolutely completely discounting the fact that he set an ALL TIME MAJOR LEAGUE RECORD with 14 hits in just three games? I mean, do you think it even remotely possible that Matt Williams in 1995 could start 3 games and get 14 hits in given an infinite number of chances in a sequence of alternative universes? Do you even know how many games before he got hurt it took Matt Williams to get 14 hits? Nine.
asbsfg: That...ruggedly handsome utility infielder...was the beneficiary of a Small Sample Size! A Small Sample Size! The B-Boy‘s name must be blotted out entirely! He’s creating a "third base controversy" where there shouldn’t be any! Matt Williams(pees himself) is the Best 5th Hitter in the Game today. He’s (touching prostate) possibly even better than Chris Brown. He is worth(viciously self-flagellating) 600 At Bats Per Season. And he’s owed enough money to bring Manny Trillo out of retirement!
And Williams is NOT EVIL! He’s NOT EVIL! I don’t care what you say! Matt Williams had NOTHING TO DO with John Hinkley shooting Ronald Reagan. He had NOTHING TO DO with the renewal of the Geraldo Rivera show! Hey everybody, I’ve got some troll here who’s accusing Williams of crimes against humanity!
Sanity: Technically speaking, Williams has never actually reached 600 at bats since 1990, and he couldn’t possibly reach it this year because of his having been on the DL. He missed 600 innings last year by virtue of the strike ending the season.
But really, that 600 at bats per year thing is a deception that you’ve fallen for. Those at bats are going to be filled by SOMEONE.
At least, conceivably, they could come from outside. If Benjamin doesn’t pan out or doesn’t stay healthy, the Giants might find another Dave Martinez from somewhere. Or they could even conceivably come from within the organization. John Patterson could be converted from second base, or Steve Scarsone could be a fantastic choice as well. Something. Essentially, the Giants could do the same things that other teams do at crunch time when looking for more banger studs. But those 600 at bats are going to be filled by SOMEONE. Would you rather have the Giants aspire to have them be filled by a player with a demonstrable history of getting 14 hits in in 3 games?
asbsfg: You're blowing my mind, you magnificent bastard!
Sanity: 14 hits. Because 14 hits in 18 at bats is better than anything Matt Williams has ever done. And would you rather pay "Chris Sabo in his prime" money and get Chris Sabo in his prime, or get Chris Sabo now, with his sports goggles fogged up?
asbsfg: I know! I know! Chris Sabo in his prime!
Sanity: Good. Because, as three HyperCard presentations would demonstrate, you’re going to pay Bo Jackson money regardless. So you might as well find a guy who was good for his last three games than a guy who wasn't.
asbsfg: But Barry Williams (swaddles self) is the Best 5th Hitter in the Game today. He’s (licks own left tit erotically) like Chris Brown on steroids. He is worth (fingering rectum) 600 At Bats Per Season. And he’s owed enough money to bring Ron Fairly and Wayne Hagin back to the KNBR broadcast booth! And the topic is not open for discussion!
Sanity: You realize, don’t you, that Mike Benjamin is out of options? So when Williams comes off the DL, the Giants would likely lose Benjamin if they tried to demote him in order to make room for Williams, because lord knows every team in baseball is practically falling over themselves to sign some utility infielder with no history of Major League success except for three games? If Benjamin continues to mash the ball, are you suggesting that the Giants should still just cut Benjamin loose to make room for Williams?
asbsfg: Yes! Well, maybe! Maybe that…that person you keep talking about could go back to the bench or something. But the thing is, we don’t need a 5th Hitter Controversy. Matt Williams (sodomizes farm animals) is the Best 5th Hitter in the Game today. He’s (touching small boys in their special area) practically Chris Brown's pagan god. He is worth (sniffing used jock straps) 600 At Bats Per Season.
Sanity: Look, none of that is true, based on the last three whole games he played in before going on the DL! I mean, if you really want the 4 hits he got in those games instead of the 14 Mike Benjamin just got in three games, you're never going to end up with the .778 batting average Mike Benjamin now projects to hit for the remainder of his career!
asbsfg: 18 At Bats! Small Sample Size! Small Sample Size!
Sanity: OK. But he's had a solid career on the basis of being great last year, and horrible from 1987-1989. Which of those do you think I'm choosing to believe is the real Matt Williams, considering that I've already decided that he sucks?
asbsfg: This is utterly moronic! I’m the guy who posted that awesome ASCII art of a chick blowing a centaur, and you're just some troll posting from CompuServe! Only a troll could possibly think that there's any room for improvement in the 5th hitter position.
But OK! OK! Since you're writing this weird screed that you somehow seem to think demonstrates your argumentative prowess, I’m going to suddenly and for no reason switch tactics and make a magnanimous concession here. Maybe a little 5th hitter controversy isn’t such a bad thing. Maybe we can even consider keeping that…that…B Creature around for as long as he’s hitting .778. Though a TRUE Giants fan would have rooted for that B Creature to suddenly fall to the ground, clutching himself and crying out for mommy so as not to embarrass the great, handsome, and magnificently well-hung Matt Williams during his recovery.
Sanity: (sighs) OK. Then assuming that Benjamin continues to suddenly be the best hitter in baseball history, whom on the Giants roster would you demote -- and possibly lose to the waiver wire altogether -- in order to make room for Zito?
asbsfg: No, stupid! That’s not the question. The question is, why are you so powerful and almighty, and able to dispatch my sycophantic tendencies with the mighty, mighty power of your humble newsreader?