Okay, so don't throw up just yet. You might want to. But.....just wait -- or at least try to wait.
Josh Bard. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. He can't hit and he's playing AAA ball for the Mariners. If he can't make the Mariners as a backup catcher -- a team that has Chris Gimenez as its backup -- then why would we want him? Well, to be fair to Bard, I'm not quite sure why they like Gimenez over Bard. One, he's a proven backup and his bat has actually played for periods in the past. Plus, Gimenez is just....bleh.
Obviously there are some better options in my head at catcher. Number one would be Ryan Doumit. I seriously hate his fundamentals, or lack thereof, behind the dish. But, his bat would certainly be welcomed right into this dreadful lineup. But, if we can't get Doumit, Bard may not be all that bad. He could start against righties and Eli could start against lefties (I know, there have been sexier catching duo's in the past). He's hitting .308 with 24 RBI in 37 games with Tacoma in the PCL. He should know most, or at least some, of the Giants staff fairly well from his time with the Pads. He's actually never been a terrible hitter at the Major League Level and he has always seemed to RAKE at AT&T. Obviously he would come cheap. So, if he didn't work out in the first couple of weeks, we could move on to plan #2 -- a plan I like to call "Ryan Doumit."