Jon Miller: Welcome to Giants baseball on the radio, everybody! Tonight, the San Francisco Giants take on the Oakland A’s in an interleague match-up between geographical rivals. Both teams feature excellent pitching, so this figures to be a taut, low-scoring series, where every mistake is maximized, and every run is precious.
Dave Flemming: And we move to the bottom of the fourth inning. Trevor Cahill is finishing his warm-up t ... and wait, what’s going on here ... Cody Ross was running from first to second when the catcher threw down to second after Cahill finished his warm-up tosses. Ross was running from first to second, and the A’s put a tag on ... is he out? ... Now Miguel Tejada is leaving the on-deck circle, Ross is heading back to the dugout ... the home-plate umpire is calling them both out. They’re out! It’s a strike-’em-out, throw-’em-out double play! Wow, before the inning started, Bruce Bochy sent Ross on a hit-and-run, betting on contact, and the A’s got the double play. Amazing!
Jon Miller: And Josh Willingham pops out.
Jon Miller: And Kevin Kouzmanoff pops out.
Jon Miller: And Daric Barton walks.
Jon Miller: Halfway between home and first, Daric Barton popped out, so the threat is over.
Duane Kuiper: Vogelsong and Cahill matching up in a classic here. Each pitcher has allowed one hit, both to the opposing pitcher, who were then picked off. There's no score here in the ... seventh. Or eighth. I, uh, drew a picture of a dinosaur in my scorebook instead of keeping score, and I didn’t even realize it. I ... must have lost consciousness for a bit, and that’s the kind of thing, folks, that will make you draw a dinosaur.
Mike Krukow: It’s the 15th inning, and some jackass with a bat is walking up to the plate.
leans out window.
GRAB SOME PINE, MEAT. YOU SIT DOWN, YOU GRAB SOME PINE, AND YOU STOP WASTING OUR TIME. GET BACK TO THE D ... YEAH, YOU. GET BACK THERE. GRAB THE BENCH. SIT ON IT. YOU’RE WASTING OUR TIME.
1:44 a.m. (Saturday morning)
Duane Kuiper: Scoreless into the 23rd. Lee Jones is next door, telling me that there’s no alcohol anywhere in here. That so, Lee? How about outside? You’re telling me that there’s no way you can scare up a beer? There’s no one here with a flask? I’ll settle for a box of wine. Dammit, Lee, get me something. I will cut you.
Duane Kuiper: So after the fruit ferments, you add the moldy bread and sugar cubes. You’ll need about 50 sugar cubes if you have them. Mike ... Mike, can you ...yeah. So Mike just released some of the gases in the bag. If you don’t do that, the bag will pop, and you’ll find yourself knee-deep in prison wine.
Mike Krukow: Scoreless into the 38th. Don’t care. You watching out there? Yeah? Kids are probably sleeping, so I’m just going to draw dirty pictures on the telestrator. Here goes ...wellllll ... what’s that going to be? You’re thinking a submarine, right? Well ... whoa, you were way off! That’s no submarine! Hahahaha! That’s no submarine! Now I’ll eliminate the field. E-limin-ated. Everyone needs to grab some pine. This is a disgrace.
Jon Miller: And I thought, my God... the genius of that! The genius! The will to do that! Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than we, because they could stand that these were not monsters, these were men -- trained pitchers. These men who pitched with their hearts, who had families, who had children, who were filled with love ... but they had the strength, the strength, to do that. If I had ten rotations of those men, our troubles here would be over very quickly.
Jon Miller: I watched Cody Ross crawl along the edge of the foul pole. That’s my dream; that’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of the foul pole ... and surviving.
Dave Flemming: I have kids, you know? Kids. Beautiful twins, and ... the other one. The, uh, other one. Oh, no, what’s her name ... I can’t remember. Is it a girl? Do have three girls? Do I even have girls? Do I even have kids? Where am I? Why does the electric sign say that it’s 0-0 in the bottom of the 666th inning? Oh, the gnashing of teeth has begun. Oh, my, the gnashing. This isn’t good, folks.
Anderson Cooper: It looks as though three helicopters will make the first airdrop -- the first wave, if you will. Gov. Jerry Brown has appealed for help, and President Obama is expected to offer Federal help.
Aaron Rowand: Fastball fastball fastball fastball fastball fastball fastball fastball swing! DAMMIT. A sinker? Does Cahill even throw one of those?
Daric Barton: Okay. Act natural. I think Billy’s watching this at-bat. Just don’t swing. Take the pitch. Good, good. Now take the next one, Daric. Good. Good. You’re down 0-2, but Billy’s watching. He’ll notice you one of these days. Yes, yes. He’ll notice you, and then everything will go according to plan.
Dave Flemming: gnashgnashgnashgnashgnashgnashgnashgnashgnashgnashgnashgnashgnashgnashgnash
Duane Kuiper: You know what? Screw this.
Duane Kuiper walks down to the field and grabs a bat. He walks up to the plate, takes a pitch, and then sends the next one into McCovey Cove.
Duane Kuiper: AND WE ... ARE ... GOING ... HOME!
A flash of light. Ascension. The end of the world. The righteous are called up. Brandon Belt is also called up, though he will receive sporadic playing time. The wicked stay behind to perish in a river of blood and bile. The Giants maintain a slim division lead over the Rockies.