Dear Bud Selig,
I’m not sure if anyone’s told you, but during games at Coors Field, there is a guy in a purple dinosaur costume who tries to distract pitchers. He does it mid-pitch, and he does it intentionally. Please make him stop.
P.S. No, seriously, that’s it. Do you need a point-by-point breakdown about why this is ridiculous? Even the Rockies’ own fans hate the idea of a mascot behind home plate. Rockies fans and Giants fans don’t agree on anything. They say Hall, we say Oates. They say "Self Destruction," we say "We’re All in the Same Gang." They say, "Yes, eating veal-and-infant sandwiches is ethical because we are evil Rockies fans," and we say "only if the veal and infants were sustainably farmed, you monsters!"
But we can both come together and hold hands, singing Joan Baez songs at a candlelight vigil, if it means that Dinger will stop acting like in idiot behind home plate. Get a focus group together. Find the guy who thinks it’s funny for a purple dinosaur to distract opposing pitchers. Isolate this individual. He is responsible for the A-Team movie. He is why there are sixteen reality shows about pampered housewives who catch lobsters and dance with them in front of a panel of celebrity chefs. He is everything that is wrong with everything.
The rest of civilization is better off without that person, just as the game of baseball is better off without distracting triceratopses. Help us. Help baseball fans enjoy baseball the way it was meant to be enjoyed: without idiot mascots trying, seriously or half-heartedly, to affect on-field events. Pick up a phone, and call the Rockies’ front office. A sample conversation:
Bud Selig: Hello, Charlie?
Charlie Monfort: Bud, how you doing?
Selig: Good, good. Say, do you have an idiot in a dinosaur costume who wiggles around while visiting pitchers are trying to pitch?
Monfort: Sounds familiar, but I’m not sure.
Selig: Find out, and if you do have one, get rid of him.
Monfort: I’ll establish a blue-ribbon panel to sort this all out.
No one will defend Dinger. There isn’t a person who will rise up and lead an opposition movement. There aren’t going to be scathing columns written about how baseball has lost its way. Taking a stand against Dinger is like taking a stand against acne. And if you actually get rid of it? Easy, easy hero points. Nothing risked, everything gained.
Just pick up the phone, Bud, and make that call. Put your finger in the "1", and rotate it until you touch that little metal nub. Then release the finger, and let the dial rotate back. That’s the start of the area code. Only ten more times, and you’ll solve everything!