The State of the NL West

The Giants acquired Melky Cabrera this offseason. Thus endeth the big moves. The Giants' front office sat at a conference table in front of a whiteboard. Someone got up, wrote "MELKY CABRERA", and sat down. Everyone nodded quietly. It was like a silent movie. It's all the Giants needed to do to fix the offense, really, now that Aubrey Huff is good again, and Buster Posey and Freddy Sanchez are totally healthy.

The Dodgers acquired 73 different utility infielders. When I used to smoke, I figured out how addicted I was when I was thinking about my next cigarette while I was already in the middle of one. Ned Colletti was doing the same thing when he was signing Mark Ellis and Adam Kennedy. "Just can't wait to get finished with that contract so I can get another one started. Mmm, maybe John McDonald and Willie Bloomquist are available to … dammit Diamondbacks so much"

The Diamondbacks signed Willie Bloomquist and John McDonald. They can help fill the shortstop position until Stephen Drew is healthy, and after that, the team can put them in a glass jar, shake it, and watch them fight. And just as they were putting together one of the best rotations in the league, they pulled out of the Hiroki Kuroda derby to invest in a left fielder who is worse than what they already have.

The Rockies decided to take a step back in their plans to contend, trading Ubaldo Jimenez away for two premium pitching prospects. They were going to take it slow, knowing that Tulowitzki and Gonzalez were going to be around for a few years, and they were going to build at their own pace with SURPRISE $30 MILLION DEAL TO MICHAEL CUDDYER. Bam! Because if there's one thing the Rockies are terrible at, it's finding random outfielders to field poorly and hit .270/.340/.440.

The Padres traded away their best pitcher. But they also got a huge return. Yasmani Grandal becomes the catcher of the future, which gives them a chance of them trading Nick Hundley for some good prospects. And now they can trade Anthony Rizzo for even better prospects, possibly to the Rays. They're slowing acquiring enough players to build a decent lineup. And maybe Edinson Volquez can resurrect his career in Petco, and get flipped for even more prospects.

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, I humbly suggest that the Padres are the only team in this division that knows what in the hell they're doing.

You might be a bigger fan of Trevor Cahill than I am, or you might think that the Matt Kemp extension was a masterstroke of franchise-saving genius, or you might be Jeremy Affeldt's wife. You might like some of the moves these teams have made over the offseason. Fair enough. But to me, it looks like there's a slow carbon monoxide leak in just about every office in the NL West. Lateral moves are the rage. And the best move of the bunch, the Latos trade, still shipped one of the best pitchers in the division out. It's not exactly like they gave up a couple issues of Penthouse Letters for all those prospects.

So congratulations, Giants. By jogging in place, you somehow made sure that no one else passed you. Well, the Diamondbacks passed you, but that was about six months ago. It's been a weird offseason for the Giants, but at least it's been a weird offseason for everyone else, too.

Now let's all sit back, cross our fingers, and hope the Rays use their fancy NSA supercomputers to completely fleece the Padres out of the best first basemen they have.

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