This came up in the Diamondbacks Series Preview, and I apparently had something to get off my chest.

Someone was saying that the latest Indy movie wasn't all that bad... let's make no mistake here: Crystal Skull was most certainly all that bad.

THE TOP FOUR INDY MOVIES, BY QUALITY

1- Raiders

2- Last Crusade

3- Temple of Doom

4- National Treasure, which should've been moved to the 50s and called Indiana Jones & the Patriots' Gold or something.

ANALYSIS

Nothing like Raiders had ever been seen before. Truly revolutionary, it is often imitated, never duplicated.

Last Crusade is fantastic, no doubt. Everyone's right at the top of their games, and Ilsa is by far the hottest Indy girl.

I don't understand the hate for Temple of Doom that so many people have; sure it's kinda racist, sure Willie is a little annoying, sure Short Round wears a Yankee hat... but it is delightfully true to the old movie serials that inspired the character of Indiana Jones. More to the point, it blows Indy 4 off the map. "INDEE! YOO HAHT!"

Crystal Skull is just so terrible on every level. South Park called it absolutely right. The CGI, the horrendous script, the ponderous and inelegant set-piece fight scenes for the sake of fight scenes (he's a street punk/master fencer and she's a KGB officer/master fencer! No, really! I wonder if they'll fight?!?), the CGI, Cate Blanchett's accent, the lazy plotting that has characters change sides according to the needs of the scene, the CGI, the flagrant and disbelief-unsuspending violations of the laws of physics (like that magnet crap in the warehouse), that bullshit with the nuclear bomb (I mean, seriously. What. The. Fuck.), and the depression that sets in when you think about how many stories and scripts (e.g. National Treasure) there are out there that would be great Indy flicks with only the addition of the characters and in-jokes of the series. Oh, and the CGI (did I already mention that?).

The willfully bullheaded awfulness of George Lucas after Last Crusade (unless you want to give him a pass for Young Indy, which is fair) is positively Sabochyan (<-baseball reference!), and the ravaging of his two marquee franchises frustrates me to no end.

"I haven’t even told Steven or Harrison this," Lucas told Fox News. "But I have an idea to make Shia [LeBeouf] the lead character next time and have Harrison [Ford] come back like Sean Connery did in the last movie. I can see it working out."

-Lucas Has Idea for Indiana Jones 5

George Lucas, you fucking suck, and your beard doesn't hide your lack of chin.

Image from The People vs George Lucas