This is WILL.I.AM in a Dodgers uniform. Scientists are still working to discover why the universe didn't collapse upon itself in a black hole of suck and evil as soon as he put the hat on.
The first part of the date might be great. The conversation might be easy and free-flowing. The restaurant might be perfect. Everything’s looking up. But if you casually mention that underneath your suit, you’re wearing an exact replica of the outfit Leia wore on Jabba’s barge, you still have a chance to ruin the evening completely.
So just act normal, Giants. You’re doing well. Don’t screw it up by letting us see what’s underneath the impressive exterior. If you’re going to jab us in the heart and fall back to earth, wait until after this weekend.
Even better, don’t fall back to earth. Keep winning. Google Image Search result for "Good triumphing over evil":
Well, that’s not exactly how I thought it would be visualized, but this will do just fine. The Giants are going into the bowels of Hades for three games. They need to win at least two games to keep the super happy fun time feelings going. A series loss, and it’s time to worry, fret, and grumble. We’ll start thinking about Freddy Sanchez – how no one really cares if he’s in the lineup or not, and how that’s just a little ridiculous seeing as he’s the "most important acquisition" of the past year. We’ll start realizing that Todd Wellemeyer is here for the rest of the year, as Madison Bumgarner isn’t exactly forcing his way into the rotation. We’ll start frothing at the mouth every time Bengie Molina hits into a double play, even if he deserves better. It will be ugly.
No one wants that. So I propose the Giants win at least two games, and I strongly advise that they win all three.
Hitter to watch
Garret Anderson. If you don’t want to watch him, don’t worry. The entire Giants’ scouting staff will be. They want to get a good read on this up-and-comer before he’s a free agent this offseason. Hey, they’ll need a backup plan in case Nate Schierholtz has a bad March.
Pitcher to watch
Russ Ortiz and Ramon Ortiz are in the Dodgers bullpen. If this were last year, we could expect that the former Grizzlies would pitch a combined six hitless innings this series, coming into every appearance with the bases loaded and no one out, getting the Giants to hit into pop up after pop up.
But this isn’t last year. I think. I hope. Just as the answer to the question, "What’s worse than being eliminated by the Dodgers?" is "Being eliminated by the Dodgers on a Steve Finley grand slam," it’s possible for a series loss to the Dodgers to be worse, and that’s if Russ Ortiz shuts down the Giants’ offense in high-leverage situations. If this team is truly different, they’ll force Ortiz to throw strikes, which **SPOILER** he isn’t especially good at.
If this team is truly different, they’ll win this series.
If this team is truly different, they won’t break our hearts so.
Some of us will take these fanciful sporting contests too seriously, possibly uttering a cuss word or two. I’m pretty sure I didn’t feel like this before the Pirates series. I love a good Giants/Dodgers match-up, but danged if they don't completely wear me down.