Wednesday afternoon nonsense

Torres was robbed. Post unrelated.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GUY TAMARACK, HOST: Welcome to "Hard Ball, Round Table", where we get a bunch of internet baseball nerds around a round table to agree with each other in an internet-nerd echo chamber. Joining us today is Internet Giants Nerd #1...

INTERNET GIANTS NERD #1: Hello.

GUY TAMARACK, HOST: ...Internet Giants Nerd #2...

INTERNET GIANTS NERD #2: Hi.

GUY TAMARACK, HOST: ...a Deadspin Reader...

DEADSPIN READER: And a good Brett Farve’s penis to you too, sir!

GUY TAMARACK, HOST: ...and Internet Giants Nerd From The Future Who Can’t Talk About the Future Because He’ll Destroy the Universe By Influencing the Space-Time Continuum and Sleeping with His Own Grandma Or Something.

FUTURE INTERNET GIANTS NERD: I have no idea how I got here. I’m cold.

GUY TAMARACK, HOST: So it’s World Series time, with the Giants and the Rangers taking each other on in the Fall Classic. What are the biggest issues facing the Giants, Giants Nerd #1?

INTERNET GIANTS NERD #1: The Giants have squeaked by just about every game in the playoffs by one run. They need more offense.

INTERNET GIANTS NERD #2: Even if it means sacrificing the defense, right?

INTERNET GIANTS NERD #1: Absolutely. Pablo Sandoval has had his issues in the field, but he at least gives the promise he can hit. Edgar Renteria went 1-for-17 in the NLCS, and his range is limited. He should be left off the roster, much less out of the lineup.

INTERNET GIANTS NERD #2: Completely agreed. Renteria is a husk of a player, and the Giants should pull him in the middle of an at-bat just to tell him his option is going to be declined.

FUTURE INTERNET GIANTS NERD: Ha, man, if you two only...dammit...never mind.

GUY TAMARACK, HOST: Go on...

FUTURE INTERNET GIANTS NERD: Never mind. I thought you guys were talking about Edgar Winter. I’m tired. Just ignore me.

DEADSPIN READER: Edgar Renteria should go to bars and have his picture taken with college girls. I have a lot of jokes lined up for something like that.

INTERNET GIANTS NERD #1: Renteria is an abomination.

INTERNET GIANTS NERD #2: History’s greatest monster.

INTERNET GIANTS NERD #1: Can you imagine what would have happened if the Giants signed Rafael Furcal instead? They would have a legit top-of-the-order going into the World Series.

FUTURE INTERNET GIANTS NERD: Oh, man. This is precious.

INTERNET GIANTS NERD #1: Look, I know you’re one of those guys that think that Renteria’s experience is some kind of magic talisman, and you don’t care about stats, but Renteria is awful.

INTERNET GIANTS NERD #2: Terrible

INTERNET GIANTS NERD #1: Maybe the worst player in baseball right now.

FUTURE INTERNET GIANTS NERD: Look, I can’t say anything. Haven’t you seen "Back to the Future?" Terrible things could happen. I’m just a guy. I don’t know why I’m here. Ignore me.

DEADSPIN READER: Maybe Renteria diddled Lindsay Lohan, ‘cause that’s what happened to Barry Zito. She had syphilis of the career, and Barry went without protection. She also had regular syphilis, just to clarify.

GUY TAMARACK, HOST: Shouldn’t Renteria be on the roster, though, with Uribe’s sore wrist?

INTERNET GIANTS NERD #1: Only if he doesn’t play. At all.

INTERNET GIANTS NERD #2: Bochy doesn’t have the willpower or the brains not to start Renteria. Just remove the temptation entirely. Start Mike Fontenot at short if there’s an injury.

INTERNET GIANTS NERD #1: Bochy should be fired.

INTERNET GIANTS NERD #2: Dude, Bochy should be turned into soylant green. He’s the worst manager ever.

FUTURE INTERNET GIANTS NERD: Alright, fine. I didn’t want to say this,but SHUT UP. SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU. EDGAR RENTERIA WINS THE WORLD SERIES FOR THE GIANTS. HE’S THE WORLD SERIES MVP. I SLEEP WITH A PICTURE OF EDGAR RENTERIA UNDER MY PILLOW. SHUT. UP.

(SILENCE)

FUTURE INTERNET GIANTS NERD: Also, Bochy’s pretty cool now. He gets a lot cooler when you see him hoist a World Series trophy above his head.

(SILENCE)

INTERNET GIANTS NERD #1: Oh, god. I can’t feel my fingers.

DEADSPIN READER: I’ll bet you could if Erin Andrews were here! Rrrrrrowwwl!

PLEASANT OLDER LADY CROCHETING A SWEATER OFF-CAMERA: I like the cut of your jib, familiar-looking young man.

FUTURE INTERNET GIANTS NERD: Oh...really? How about you and me ditch this place and go to Sizzler, you foxy thing?

PLEASANT OLDER LADY CROCHETING A SWEATER OFF-CAMERA: Well, sure. I don’t see how that could destroy the universe or anything.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

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