Sizing up the Phillies' starting rotation

Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt, Cole Hamels. Roy-Roy-Co. Ha-Ha-Os. Crr. A three-headed beast out of the mythological depths, like a hydra, a Cerberus, or the Hairstons, ready to rise up and doom us all. The "National" "Media" and their "East-wing" "bias" seem to think that these three pitchers will mow the Giants down, cutting through a playoff-caliber lineup as if the hitters were sticks of warm, impatient butter. We’re supposed to cower at the thought of Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt, and Cole Hamels, and...

...

Alright, those guys are pretty freaking good.

It’s a little depressing.

Just a little, though. For the most part, though, Giants fans don’t care. Roy Halladay? Okay. Roy Oswalt? Sure. Cole Hamels? Fine. Yeah, they’ll probably pitch the Giants extremely well. They’ll make a lot of the hitters in the Giants lineup look like complete fools. Juan Uribe will swing at a Halladay cutter, an Oswalt slider, and a Hamels change-up in the same at-bat. The at-bat will be on Friday night as Halladay, Oswalt, and Hamels play cribbage together. He’s efficient, that Uribe. Respect. But Giants fans don’t care about the Phillies’ starting pitching.

I can feel the simmering rage coming from Philadelphia already. Is this nerd trying to downplay the strength of Walt-Mels-Day? Three of the finest pitchers in the National League? What nonsense. Are Giants fans so cocky that they’ve become delusional?

No, no. You’re misreading this. Giants fans don’t care about the Haloswamels triumvirate because to them, every pitcher is Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt, or Cole Hamels. Derek Lowe? Yeah, he’s as good as Roy Halladay. Clayton Richard? He’s like Cole Hamels, but with a head made of potted meat. Tim Stauffer? He’s what Roy Oswalt could be one day with a lot of hard work and practice.

It’s kind of refreshing. Can’t faze a fanbase that expects R.A. Dickey to dominate their team on 84 pitches over seven innings. And, oddly enough, this ragtag bunch of offensive misfits has done okay against acey-types. Of the top ten pitchers by WAR in the National League, the Giants have beaten seven of them this year. It’s like they plan for the good pitchers.

F.J. Snufflegrass was just recalled from Toledo today, and, gentlemen, I’d be lying if I said you shouldn’t swing at the first pitch every single time. It’s going to be a fastball down the middle. Guaranteed. Swing hard, and swing often. And if the first pitch isn’t a fastball down the middle, the second one surely will be.
Adam Wainwright today, folks. He likes to use his curveball to steal strike one, so look for it on the outer half of -- HEY, PAY ATTENTION, DAMMIT -- look for it on the outer half of the plate. The fastball is sneaky fast, as he doesn’t push it past 92 that often, but he can dial it up with two strikes. Pick a side of the plate -- DAMMIT, EUGENIO, STOP DICKING AROUND WITH THAT ROSIN BAG AND PAY ATTENTION -- and make sure you keep your bat head level through the zone.

Will the Phillies pitchers dominate the Giants? Oh, almost assuredly. At least two of the big three will get to the seventh inning under 80 pitches. Just like Derek Lowe, Tommy Hanson, and Tim Hudson combined for a 2.84 ERA over four starts in the NLDS. The Giants won that series somehow. They’ve done it all year. Kind of.

Every pitcher is Roy Halladay to the Giants. You know what kind of pitchers do well against the Giants? The ones with noses. Ol’ Slitface Jamberson wouldn’t stand a chance against the Giants, but a pitcher with two proper nostrils is usually just murder on this team.

So do your worst, Phillies. I know the Giants hitters will. And about 57% of the time, they’ll win. I’m not quite sure how, either. But I’m not about to freak out because the Giants are about to face three fantastic pitchers. This is the team that made Joe Blanton look like Roy Halladay and Roy Halladay look like Joe Blanton. I have absolutely no idea what they’re going to do other than make me wet myself in abject terror and frustration. It’ll be fun.

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