Brian Sabean: So did you hear about the one who couldn't play Center Field?

Awkward silence

Brian Sabean: Ah, I say, did you hear about the one who couldn't play Center Field?

Marketing Chump 1: Ummm, no...

Brian Sabean: Of course not, because I didn't sign him! Ha! (laughs raucously at self)

Silence returns

Brian Sabean: Well, they say lead with a joke... Anyway, let's start this meeting. Your marketing department has a real task this year: You don't have Barry Bonds to lean on anymore. Normally he would have made all of our jobs a lot easier, but as much of a marketing boon he would have been this year we're just tired of not getting any of that sweetass NY/Boston ESPN money. So at the end of the day we've just got to do something new. Now, how are we going to keep getting those butts in the seats?

Marketing Chump 2: We have a number of very strong marketing proposals.

Marketing Chump 3: Yes, very strong.

Marketing Chump 2: Jerry, please. I'm talking now, so shut it!

Marketing Chump 3: Sorry.

Marketing Chump 2: Sh! Anyway, we were thinking of bringing back an old favorite from the Humm Baby years. We know the team is going in that youthful direction, and what better way to combine that move with the memories of past success than-

Marketing chump 3: YOU GOTTA LOVE THESE KIDS!!!

Marketing Chump 2: God dammit, Jerry! You motherfucker that was my slice of gold!

Marketing Chump 3: I just got excited. I couldn't help it.

Marketing Chump 2: Oh, you couldn't help it. What the hell were all those rehearsals for anyway? Huh? Huh? You and your big fat-

Brian Sabean: I hate it.

Marketing Chump 2: Huh?

Brian Sabean: Yeah, I wasn't here back then. I want to remind people of good times, but not other General Managers, not other rebuilding schemes. Let's keep it in what I call the "Sabean Circle," alright guys. What about something with Man-soda? I loved that commercial. I mean, he was talking about beer, but nobody would have to worry about their kids seeing it!

Marketing Chump 1: People hated those commercials.

Brian Sabean: Seriously?

Marketing Chump 1: Yeah. Lowest approval rating for a marketing campaign since you've been here.

Brian Sabean: I'll be damned... so, ummm, what else you got?

Marketing Chump 2: Now it's your turn, Jerry.

Marketing Chump 3: Huh? Oh, yeah. So going with this whole youth idea, some very successful marketing campaigns involving youth in the last decade have come out Oakland. The A's marketing team is starting to move away from that and we thought this would be the perfect opportunity to jump in and fill that void with something like-

Marketing Chump 2: KEVIN FRANDSEN HITTING A HOMERUN IN A VIDEO GAME... WITH HIMSELF! AND THEN HE DOES A HIP-HOP DANCE!

Marketing Chump 3: Hey!

Marketing Chump 2: Yeah, how does it feel Jerry! How does it feel getting powned in the middle of your-

Brian Sabean: Hate it. Can't use it.

Marketing Chump 2: What? Why?

Brian Sabean: First of all, what's with all this youth crap? Youth doesn't sell. You know what sells? Dave Roberts sells. Dave Roberts stealing bases fucking sells! Do you have any ideas that involve Dave Roberts stealing bases and then saying something like "You can't catch the flashman!"?

Marketing Chump 1: Yeah, Dave Roberts doesn't sell.

Brian Sabean: Don't fuck with me, ad-man.

Marketing Chump 1: No, seriously. Look at these figures. He's one of the least marketable guys on the team. He doesn't get the female demographic, and most of the layfans just think he's Randy Winn when you show them a picture.

Brian Sabean: Damn. What else you got?

Marketing Chump 1: We've got another proposal we're very proud of. We've seen the figures and we've done hundreds of hours of research on modern and alternative ad campaigns and we were thinking of using a CG Morph tool to take old footage of some of your best teams and morph those players into some of our current starters. On TV you'd see a clip of JT Snow at first: the camera pans around and he morphs into Dan Ortmeier in eye black giving the audience a wink. You see Benito Santiago standing in the batters box: as he starts hs swing we morph him into Bengie Molina hitting a home run. On buses we take the same idea and use holograms so from one angle you see JT Snow, and from another you see Dan Ortmeier. Tag Line: "Are you ready for a New Era in Giants baseball?"

Brian Sabean: I'm intrigued. You know, I like this idea. This whole thing about reminding people of the good times has a lot of promise. I just have one problem, though. At the end of the day, don't you think Dan Ortmeier winking at the audience is just a little gay?

Marketing Chump 1: Well this is just an outline of an idea, Brian. He doesn't have to be winking.

Brian Sabean: No, I've thought about it. Can't do it. Too gay. Give me something else. Something with this old team/new team vibe. Something not so gay.

Silence

Marketing Chump 3: (off the top of his head) Ummm, how about, I mean, remember those old commercial, ummm, people loved those commercials with the song, that song like "The boys are back, back on 2, and that's where they're gonna stay-ay-ay." We could do something like that?

Brian Sabean: We're on NBC now, Jerry. I hate you, you're fired. Get out. Seriously, now, get out.

Jerry leaves

Brian Sabean: Ok, here's what I want. I like this old/new stuff. You don't have to use it, it sounds good though. Try to keep it not so gay. Get away from this young guy stuff. Our young guys are terrible. We don't want to market them. We like Aaron Rowand. He's got a good sort of, ummm, fighter's mentality, grittiness warrior thing going on. Run with that. Something that shows how game these guys are to play. How gamey they are. Or, not gamey, per se, but, you know, gamer-y. These guys will fight. These guys will play hard. Start from scratch if you need to. Think about using Rowand as a verb, maybe. Outside the box crap like that. I've got to go do an interview with that jackass Barbieri, now, but I'm going to leave you guys here to kick the tires on these new idea and I want a finished proposal on my desk tomorrow morning.

Brian Sabean leaves, with a proud look on his face

Marketing Chump 2: "Gamer-y?" Rowand as a verb? What the fuck, man, I can't be here all night trying to work with garbage like that. I've got to go home, see my family.

Marketing Chump 1: How about "Omar Vizquel: Gamer" We could just do one for every player and it's just stupid enough to get by his list of bullet points.

Marketing Chump 2: Ugh, that's an awful ad-campaign. I mean, that really, really stinks.

Marketing Chump 1: So?

Marketing Chump 2: That's a good point. Let's do it. I'm going home.

Scene fades to black