One hundred and sixty-two games makes for a long season -- especially for the hardcore Giants fan. Yea you, you're reading this.
So in an effort to take the unpleasantries out of the 2008 season, I've compressed the highlights for you. No need to pay $8-10 for beer after beer after beer; it can get expensive numbing the pain. No need to freeze your butt off during a 12-3 drubbing by the Padres (!). No need to put up with the f@#!in' Dodgers fan who bought seats in front of you. . . cheap. Or worse, in back of you, spraying spittle on your neck as Andruw Jones, Matt Kemp and James Loney round the bases. Even the sexy halter tops are gone - with their young bodies - because, hey, it's not cool to watch a team this far back.
Now of course, the roster may change before Opening Day. I can imagine David Wright for Ray Durham, but I think Shawn Green or Tony Clark is more Brian's style. It all started in January 2004 when Peter McCheap preferred signing Tucker, Tomko, Franklin and Ledee; coincidentally a time when Vlad and Tejada and Pudge and even Jose Guillen were available. Later Beltran, Delgado, Renteria, Ordonez and Polanco. . . so okay, old news! Assume the current roster.
Let's skip to your 2008 Giant highlights:
April 2 -Tim Lincecum goes eight innings and hits first major league home run to beat LA and Hiroki Kuroda, 1-0.
April 4 - Noah Lowry pitches seven solid innings and Aaron Rowand hits his first Giants homerun against Milwaukee and Carlos Villaneuva (subbing for an injured Ben Sheets). Giant relievers walk in two runs in the eighth to lose 2-1.
April 7 - Home opener. Giants come in 2-4. Optimism is in the air. Dave Roberts pulls hamstring chasing down a Khalil Green fly ball on which Green gets an inside-the-park homerun. Fabulous hustle and throw from Aaron Rowand not enough. Giants lose 1-0.
May 11 - Matt Cain pitches 7 and a third perfect innings, only to have Vinnie Chulk give up 3-run home run to Pedro Feliz, who also sparkles in the field. Welcome back Pete Happy! Giants tie the game in the ninth on a Raj infield single, a Frandsen double, and a Rowand dinger. Giants lose in 9th as Durham boots third out.
May 16 - Almost Giant Joe Crede hits solo shot to beat Barry Zito, 1-0. Ortmeier shows improving plate discipline. Bengie goes 3-for-3.
June 2-4 - Versus Mets. Nothing good can come of this.
June 16-18 - Versus Tigers. What a lineup. Someone offers you free garlic fries. Nothing good can come of this.
July 4 - Independence Day! During batting practice, Dodger fan chucks a cherry bomb too close to Big Head Bochy. Boch joins Roberts, Durham and Aurillia on the DL. Carney takes over helm temporarily and considers using Clay Timpner as his No. 4 hitter, but lets Noah Lowry bat there instead. Lowry hits two homeruns, but the bullpen serves up 5 straight hits to drop the game 3-2. Giants officially eliminated from the postseason.
July 15 - Omar Vizquel sole representative Giant at All-Star Game. During the 8th inning of a meaningless 10-2 drubbing by the AL, Omar twists his ankle. Goes on 60-day DL.
July 22 - Against Washington's Livian Hernandez, Tim Lincecum pitches a no-hitter, only to lose 1-0 as recently re-instated Dave Roberts misplays a Lastings Milledge Texas leaguer for the sole Nationals run.
August 4 - Eugenio Velez plays every position during a 14-0 blowout to Atlanta. Steve Kline retires. Sabean signs Wayne Franklin to "shore up bullpen."
August 5 - Kevin Frandsen, who has been moved between second, short, third and the outfield throughout the season, mistakenly takes warm up throws in the bullpen thinking he'll be needed; throws his arm out; goes on DL.
August 19 - "Big Hits Keep On Comin' Night," with William Thrill Nuchsler, Robbie T., Kevin Coke Bottle, and Matt the Syringe lifting the "crowd's" spirit before a brilliant 2-1 Matt Cain two-hitter against the Marlins is wasted when Dave Roberts, fresh off the DL and taking an unusual route from left to triples alley, collides with both Rowand and Randy Winn. It sends Cain (2.67 ERA) to his 17th defeat. Rowand goes on the DL.
September 5 - Against Pittsburgh, Racquel Aurilia sings the National Anthem. Rich Aurillia becomes the second Giant during the season to play all nine positions during the game, setting a major league record. While catching Jack Taschner in the ninth, Richie's Adam apple is crushed by a caroming fastball sending Richie to the DL for the remainder of the season. Neifi Perez signed to replace Richie. "You'll see," sez the Neifmeister.
September 7 - "Baer It All Day." The promotion allows a lucky fan to spend his entire day with Larry's family cleaning their garage and helping them pack for Tulsa. "No one isn't responsible," sez Peter McG.
September 9 - "Tony Torcato Night." Giant fans welcome back high "can't miss" phenoms from the McGowan era - Tony T., Ryan Vogelsong, Damon Minor, Cody Ransom, Dante Powell, William Van Landingham and a host of others. Sabean adds, "Wait till you see who we've got coming up now." Police are called in to restrain the crowd of 9,023.
September 10 - "Brian Sabean Bobble Head Day." Fans are allowed to bring firearms into the park.
September 23 - Tim Lincecum goes 3 for 4, pitches his 12th complete game, and Bengie Molina hits two homeruns, but the Giants lose 3-2 to the Rockies, when the Mays Field seagulls assume the empty stands mean the game is over; land; and camouflage an infield single by John Koronka, sending Ian Stewart home with the winning run.
September 28 - "Peter McGowan Worldwide Tour Day (Fan Appreciation Day)." Fans send the Giants Managing Partner on a tour of Barrow, Alaska; Nowshak, Afghanistan; and the desolate salt marshes of India's Rann of Kutch to personally scout for next season's #3 and #4 hitters.