Pat Meares's Agent: Uh, first I'd like you to initial right here, Cam. This states that you are aware that Pat will most likely just become a hiliarious pile of uselessness by the end of the contract.

Bonifay: Done and done.

Pat Meares's Agent: You just signed my briefcase.

Bonifay: Hilarious means "funny", right? Like Tim Allen? Hroo hroo hroo hroo!

Omar Vizquel's Agent: Uh, first I'd like you to initial right here, Brian. This states that you are aware that Omar can no longer hit. By initialing, you acknowledge that benching him because of offensive reasons will kick in a special secret option clause for $5M.

Sabean: Offense? Don't worry. We know we're getting Omar for his defense. (pulls out abacus and starts sliding discs back and forth) Let's see, Omar scored 54 runs last year, so by these newfangled stats, we know that he's worth 54 runs. The Giants allowed 720 runs, so you divide that by nine...80. Now, we all know that Omar is twice as valuable as any other defender. So muliply 80 by two...160 runs! With Omar Vizquel, the Giants gain 214 runs!

Omar Vizquel's Agent: Well, I can see you've thought this through.

Sabean: Hold on there, cap'n. You aren't leaving until you tack on an option year that vests with playing time.

Omar Vizquel's Agent: Okay, okay! I concede! You win.

Sabean: I'm Bill James, bitch!