OPOTEMTREFT

Remember early in the offseason? This post, specifically:

So the point of the offseason is to fill the holes at first, third, short, and the remaining corner outfield spot with productive hitters.
Ah, how naïve of me. The correct answer was "center field."  The other positions didn't need to be addressed at all. Nosiree. Just go with internal options, Sabes.

I'm reminded of the Pirates from the late-'90s/early-'00s.You remember that team -- fat extensions to Kevin Young and Pat Meares, big free-agent contract to Derek Bell. Everything they touched turned into this hilarious pile of uselessness.

Cam Bonifay: Okay, if you'll just sign here and here. And....

Pat Meares's Agent: Uh, first I'd like you to initial right here, Cam. This states that you are aware that Pat will most likely just become a hiliarious pile of uselessness by the end of the contract.

Bonifay: Done and done.

Pat Meares's Agent: You just signed my briefcase.

Bonifay: Hilarious means "funny", right? Like Tim Allen? Hroo hroo hroo hroo!

The mid '90s Pirates were a source of limitless amusement. They would sign the wrong players, lock up unnecessary players, and block whatever quasi-prospects they were able to come up with. Hmm, that sounds familiar....
Brian Sabean: Okay, if you'll just sign here and here. And....

Omar Vizquel's Agent: Uh, first I'd like you to initial right here, Brian. This states that you are aware that Omar can no longer hit. By initialing, you acknowledge that benching him because of offensive reasons will kick in a special secret option clause for $5M.

Sabean: Offense? Don't worry. We know we're getting Omar for his defense. (pulls out abacus and starts sliding discs back and forth) Let's see, Omar scored 54 runs last year, so by these newfangled stats, we know that he's worth 54 runs. The Giants allowed 720 runs, so you divide that by nine...80. Now, we all know that Omar is twice as valuable as any other defender. So muliply 80 by two...160 runs! With Omar Vizquel, the Giants gain 214 runs!

Omar Vizquel's Agent: Well, I can see you've thought this through.

Sabean: Hold on there, cap'n. You aren't leaving until you tack on an option year that vests with playing time.

Omar Vizquel's Agent: Okay, okay! I concede! You win.

Sabean: I'm Bill James, bitch!

At what point did the Giants become the late-90s Pirates? Try and find the specific deal that cemented the franchise's commitment to amusing the rest of the baseball world. Then instead of saying something hackneyed like, "Man, Friends really jumped the shark after the fourth season," you can say, "Man, Friends really signed Dave Roberts this year, right?"

Open Point Out the Exact Moment the Roman Empire Fell Thread. Except the Giants were never really the Roman Empire. The Portuguese Navy, maybe? I wonder if Barry Bonds left the Portuguese Navy, too.

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