3B. Defense of Graig Nettles, alcoholism of Wade Boggs, male pattern baldness of Matt Williams, girth of Charlie Hayes, eye like Pedro Feliz and the spunk of Johnny LeMaster. Could be valued as comic relief in an otherwise mundane dugout. Viewer discretion is advised.

When I played softball I was the smallest one on either team. I still played catcher and I could throw. I was fast, and I slapped the ball around. So I was basically Ichiro but with a ponytail.

NeifiChicken 1

RHP – Pitchers build. Power arm with movement, but lacks control. Circle Changeup is a plus secondary pitched but lacks any form of a breaking ball. For this reason might be better suited for the bulpen. Best case: Trevor Hoffman. Realistically projects to be Tyler Walker without the split and much worse command

2

3B/LF – Left handed hitter with legitimate power and plate patience. Swings for the fences too often and is prone to strikeout. Projects to be Russell BRanyan

Natto #13 R
2B/SS – Hits like Jeff Bagwell — if Bagwell had weights tied to his arms and a piano strapped around his waist. Poor but accurate arm. Lots of hustle, not much else.

LF/CF/RF- Short lefty with extra base hit power, but little homer potential. Contact hitter that hits for decent average, rarely walks, but also rarely strikes out. Threat to steal a bag whenever he is on base. Can play all three outfield positions, with an average at best but accurate arm. Comparison I guess would be something like a shorter, whiter Fred Lewis, with less raw athletic ability but more scrappiness.

OF – Good field/no hit in Little League Good field/solid #2 hitter in softball. Average speed – at best. Caught everything could get my glove on and had strong accurate arm. Knew there was a cutoff man to throw through.

Also managed many a softball team.

SS/3B – RHH – Good defensive instincts, great first step. Range may be lacking to stay at SS in the upper levels, but the arm strength is there if the feet are willing…weight may become an issue if 12 oz curl workout routine continues. Plus power at the plate with good plate discipline. Will mash any fastball…will waive wildly at any decent down and out breaking ball when down in the count. High end projection as a Rich Aurilia type infielder.

2b/ss- Maybe a Frandsen type, not a big hitter, but decent. Decent speed also. More of a Burriss, but with less speed.

overweight right-handed relief pitcher with red scraggly hair and a horseshoe mustache who rocks his arm menacingly back and forth prior to every pitch

Middle of line up type, very good patient hitter. I was taught extreme plate discipline as an infant and kept it. Surprising power for build and can absolutely crush any pitch left over plate, good speed unfortunately outfield is mystery, is prone to pulling Matt Kemplike routes to ball. Also arm is Rowandesque/ never quite sure where ball will go.

All in all good hit no field.

Velez but without the speed

Plunger , plumb bob , channel locks , level , tape measure.

CF who covers a ton of ground…hell , look at those feet.
Bunion the size of a Ping – Pong ball , wonders what the hell Fred’s problem was.

Release point issues. Rowand would seem a sniper by comparison.

Definite RH pull hitter. So far ahead of the ball that defenses employ a unique shift where the entire ballpark shifts to the right…

Good glove, excellent first step, fringy arm, accurate thrower. Will have to move to 2B in upper minors. Contact hitter, willing to take a walk. Solid average speed on the bases, heady baserunner, goes first to third with aplomb. Gamer, very coachable. Plays most card games in the clubhouse, capable of driving team bus, doing laundry, or taking tickets. Polite to coaches and small children. College kid, can put too much pressure on himself.

Think Kevin Frandsen.

Average fastball, ridiculously good curve, above average slider. Very few walks due to above average control. Capable of pitching deep into games without tiring. Horrible mechanics. Elbow and shoulder issues are always a concern.

JT Snow-esque first baseman without the huge following amongst the ladies. Switch-hitter, good contact, good defense, not afraid to lean into a pitch, but light on the power you expect from a corner. Throwing arm limits him to the right side of the infield or the left side of the outfield. Knee injury from two years ago has reduced sprint speed from terrible to “Molina”, but still has decent vertical range.

A Build similar to david wells but a bit lighter. Throws average (at best) fastball and a plus slider with great late movement. Change is marginal at best. Strike thrower. Poor conditioning makes 1IP about the limit.

Thinks he’s a regular Dorothy Parker when he’s actually more like Paul Lynde.

RH who throws LH heat like Barry Zito (79 MPH), minus the Playboy models in my bed. Already named Sigh Yung winner. Willing to spot start in the bullpen if Skull Mountain asks nicely.

Gave Shawon Dunston a Mercedes SL (1:18 scale) for calling me awesome.

Pretends to pitch Tim’s mechanics when no one’s looking.

Skinny right-hander with a below average fastball. Throws a decent changeup. Curveball spins but doesn’t break. Working on developing a knuckleball. Get’s winded easily. Likes basements.

Solid team player with veteran leadership skills , Knees starting to wear out ( five arthroscopic surgeries, left and right ), good quickness, good defensive coverage, solid arm. Contact/ Spray hitter Good patience at the plate, can take a walk, high OPB, low power hitter (think Duane Kuiper). Will get on base and move runners.

Short, scrappy, gamer, warrior spirit, gets high in the dugout after games (who didn’t?). All glove, no bat. Good range at 2nd/SS (30 pounds ago). Good reflexes at corners (10 years ago). Can take a pitch & work the count, but ultimately can’t do anything with breaking pitches (that actually break) & can’t catch up with + heat.

Young, athletic middle infielder with a great understanding of the game. Plus defense and above average speed are his best tools. Very patient at the plate, but will never be much of an offensive threat. Was once told by his high school coach that he had a “big league glove, but a little league bat.”

Projected stats (see Ozzie Smith’s 1979 season):
.211/.260/.262
0 HR – 28 SB

SP

Tall but ultra lanky, tricky sidearm delivery, wishes he could say he looked like Roy Halladay on the mound. Below average fastball, killer slurve with late movement (but he has almost no control over it) and a nice change. Quit baseball in high school because coach was “a douche”.

Terrible. Kinda fast I guess.

Think of a hybrid between Prince Fielder and B-Money, minus the blazing speed of course. Can absolutely mash at the plate, but is a dead pull hitter. No problems with breaking pitches but struggles mercilessly with a high fastball…don’t know how that happened. VERY limited defensive range and mobility. Zero base-running instincts, but that’s not all that much of a problem considering a fabulous physics equation….P=MV…with extra emphasis placed on the M part of that equation! Mo Vaugn/David Ortiz type of defensive player. Questionable hustle, unless there’s a keg located at 2nd base. Good clubhouse presence and behind the scene leader. Most ideally a DH because of the defensive liabilities, but offensive output can trump many of the other shortcomings.

Utility player, at best, assuming that utility is to serve as Bruce Bochy’s hatrack.
(7 7/8)

Above average CF with limited power but excellent contact hitting and good speed. Makes Aaron Rowand look like Adam Dunn in the outfield. Known for his amazing diving cathches (with no somersault throws though)

RP – Built like Tim Lincecum but throws like Noah Lowry (2008). Has a nasty slider if game being played is Wiffle Ball. Struggles to get the ball over the plate. Only pitch is 50 mph fastball with a downward bite (gravity). Utter lack of mechanics will lead to serious injury within the next 25 pitches. Still very young, so there is time to develop, but don’t count on it.

Gets the ball in the vicinity of the plate. Quick reflexes for snagging comebackers up the middle. Can play 1st if a stepladder is available.

Fairly consistent switch hitter: strikes out equally from both sides of the plate. Has been known to bunt in odd situations.

Classic build for slugging 1st baseman/powerDrinker. Good glove, good contact hitter. Can still remember the day I saw my 1st real good breaking ball—I was totally surprised and weakly grounded it between 1st
and 2nd for a cheap hit. I dont think I ever hit another one after that.

2B, but can play CF. The Whitey equivalent of Ray Durham, aka, short, with quickness in his early career and power in his later years. A great overall athlete, who goes to seed the older he ages. Luckily, the Front Offense doesn’t notice his declining skills before signing him to another long term contract!

Bats Left, Throws Left. 6’2", 175 lbs of pure something.

Plus defender. At CF, has the the speed to play back and cover a lot of ground in front of him and leaping ability to take away home runs. As a tall lefty, does well at 1B, but speed is wasted. Good at scooping low throws and stretching for close plays. On grounders, moves well to right or left but has troubles with grounders hit at him. Appears to be more interested in protecting his testicles than fielding the ball. Specializes in catching pop flys behind his back, infuriating both coaches teammates and opponents with hot dog antics.

Average hitter. Decent dead-pull power, but inability to lay-off breaking pitches or take pitches to the opposite field makes him a LHH Pedro Feliz.

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Bats and Throws Right. 6’ 0, 200 lbs. of what might be muscle. Is good for the occasional over-dramatic dive on a routine fly ball. Puts the “corn” in “hot corner.” Often adopts the famous “hope to god for a walk” strategy when at bat. First basemen, be advised – throws are often, nay, always erratic.

Whenever I make “myself” in baseball video games, I’m always a Dustin Pedroia-type second baseman who draws a lot of walks and plays good D but doesn’t have a ton of power. I don’t know why.

Bats right, throws right. Very good speed leads to good range in center. (At 2b, good range but hands compare to Velez). Routes to fly balls can be inconsistent, especially coming in on balls. Weak arm, average accuracy. Patient at the plate, high walk and strikeout total. Can hit to all fields, power is to left field. Has trouble staying inside the ball. Crushes high fastballs, but also tends to chase them up out of the zone. On the bases, always a threat to steal due to speed and good instincts, jumps. Injury report: has experienced some elbow pains, possibly due to an injury early in career, leading to decreased arm strength.

RHP: used to be a pretty good pitcher until knee and shoulder problems caused velocity to drop. Overall nice guy. Projects to be Dave Dravecky.

Level swing, puts good loft on the ball. Good home run power and can put the ball in any part of the field. Recognizes breaking pitches and fouls off pitches with ease. Excellent OBP and loves taking a walk. Speed is an issue. Regularly stretches doubles into singles. station to station runner if there is a train involved. Good glove and strong arm at third base, but again range is a bit of a problem.

Use pinch runners liberally.

Hits for extremely high average (in softball) and Ruthibondsian power (in softball). Minus arm, but can catch anything in the neighborhood. When playing catcher, can get into the heads of opposing batters and rattle them with an array of smack and headgames; and at 6’3", doesn’t usually get hassled in return. Softball only. And doesn’t mind people knowing that he considers Goofus a friend. Hell, doesn’t even mind if people think he considers HowTheyScored a friend. That’s the beauty of being 6’3".

Softball only. Defense was ok, nothing to get too excited about. Although occasionally had to block the plate, fun times. Bad baserunning skills, definitely lacking any speed what so ever, but I had the knack to hit the ball where no body was. Didn’t strike out much and could take a walk.

Used to have Dunston’s arm with Knoublach’s aim. Struck fear in the heart of many a first base coach. Now exclusively plays softball and hits for a living. Running is way overrated. Sticks to strict training regimine of 12oz curls. Sometimes stretches when balls need to be shagged. Great teammate. Did I mention I like hitting? Walking’s for sissies unless you just hit the ball a long way.

Average: 21
Power: 20
Baserunning: 60
Throwing: 25
Fielding: 40

Inaccurate arm, inability to field. I can foul off balls pretty well. When I f around and try to pitch, my fastball makes Kirk Reuter look like Randy Johnson. I’m white and scrappy so maybe there’s hope for me yet.

Arriving fashionably late…..
“the only lefty alowed to play SS and 2B cuz he can straight pick it!”
lefty hitter who hits exclusively to the left-side of the field (very short and quick swing, but without fail waits till the ball is way too deep in the zone to ever pull it with power for some reason); works great for the first at-bat of any slow-pitch softball game where the outfield automatically shifts to the pull-side, but not much else. Will steal bases at a nice clip. Born with a “girls arm” but forced to pitch because of handedness and hated it.