Letters to our Adopted Sons

First of all I would like to thank you for cutting your hair. No parent relishes the idea of their child emulating those who should not be emulated, and following in the Weaver brothers footsteps is no way to live your life (at least in terms of appearance). As for performance, your mother and I are so proud of your filthy stuff (by which I mean your pitches), but at times are baffled by the filthy results. Perhaps it's something we've done; have we angered you in any way? And is it worth breaking the hearts of thousands of Giants fans simply to get back at us? Please share if this is the case. A friend of ours mentioned that sometimes a sports psychiatrist can be beneficial for an athlete whose mindset won't allow their physical gifts to flourish. We would not think anything less of you if you decide to see one of these kinds of people. They are there to help, and I hope we've raised you to understand that real men can acknowledge when they need help. We wish you the best in the second half of the season, and remind you of how proud everyone down here in San Luis Obispo County is of your accomplishments. In fact, the local sports section always prefaces your name with "Cal Poly alum" when noting your appearance in a Giants game...regardless of how that appearance turned out.

With Love and Squalor,
Your Non-Biological Parents

Love the idea...but need some time to think my letter over...Is there a better place to post this maybe?  In a few days the diary will be lost.  Perhaps on McWiki?  

Dear Merkin,

I am quite upset with your lack of any playing time this season. You had Tommy John surgery, I know, but that is no excuse. Rob Nenn pitched with his arm literally falling out of his shoulder socket, and you should be taking him as an example. A couple of years ago you were a top prospect and now nobody even remembers you exist. For shame!

love,

Your Adopted Dad

My son, you've made your pop so proud!  I knew you were heartbroken last year when your mother left me for some guy with a son who hits over .260 and takes breaking balls away, but we've come through this out on top.  On top of say, Neifi Perez.  But you've still made me so proud while laying off pitches more than 4 feet outside of the strikezone and walking a little bit more.  A couple days ago when you hit that curveball that you had no business swinging at in the 11th, I got angry momentarily.  But when it rolled through the infield, I was ecstatic!  Even though you have been out of my sig for a while, your happy smile will always have a small place in my heart.  Remember keep playing great defense, walk placidly amidst the boos and jeers, be happy in every interview possible and lay off the low and away!!!

with hope and joy,

Tyler.

Dear Matt,

Here is a baseball bat:

You see those guys who go up to the plate and swing the bat? Go to town on them.

Hey Rags,

I think you've done a good job. The results should speak for themselves, right? Well, that's where you'd be wrong, kiddo. Results can only take you so far. People still have no respect for what you bring to the pitchers on this team, but I'm going to tell you what to do. The first thing you need to do is just keep keeping your mouth shut. You spouted off a couple of times at the beginning of the year and took it hard in the ear for a while for those. People are just forgetting those incidents now. So just, you know, keep it shut. The other thing you have to do is just make it look like you're doing something. Now, I know you're doing something and you know you're doing something, but for everybody watching it just looks like all you're doing is standing around the dugout waiting to talk on the phone. Walk up to your pitchers in the dugout. Wave your arms around a bit. Even if you're just saying "look, I'm just making it look like I'm talking to you in the middle of a game, so if you could pretend to agree with me that would be great," you have to do it. People need their gametime demonstrations of work.

And keep that mouth shut.

But really, great job on these pitchers. You should slap Zito a couple of times. Back of your hand, you know, cuss him out a little in private, but the rest of these guys are solid. Thanks.

Peace,

Garrett

Dear Ryan,
Bet you're pretty glad you only signed a one-year deal and jump this train-wreck of a ship.  If you're hoping to be traded before the deadline, I can hardly blame you.  

Your mother and I very proud of you and are enjoying see you play live this season, but we feel bad for suggesting you sign with the Giants.  We're also still very sorry for choosing the doctor that botched your circumcision.

Love,
Dad

Dearest Omar,

Pay no attention to that sound you hear off in the distance.  I think now is about the time that I sit you down and teach you about a little something called retirement.  Believe me, this is going to hurt me more than it's ever going to hurt you.  You see there comes a time in a man's life where he has to recognize that his time has come and gone.  Don't get me wrong, I still want you around for another year or two, but if you don't improve your hitting real quick like, the club might just not offer you a contract extension in the off-season. (Yes, it's really getting that bad!)

Thankfully, if Brian Sabean is still in control (shudder), you'll have nothing to worry about.  He likes the older players...something about veteran savvy or some crap like that.

Lastly, enough with the flashy wardrobe, pet kangaroos, and thinking that your some sort of drummer, painter, or dancer.  You're a ballplayer DAMMIT, and I didn't raise no nancy-boy.  Put those things to the side for a while, because the chicks really dig them, supposedly.  There's more than enough time after you've retired for frilly disco-inspired shirts, marsupials, and jet-setting with the Goo Goo Dolls.

Love you always,

Pops

P.S.  I agree with you about Joey Barton...he's an f'ing wanker!

Hang in there, champ.

Dear Nelson Figueroa,
Enjoy every day in the the show and save up your per diem.
Soon you will be back in Fresno, and have your pick of the trailer park groupies.

I don't write letters to my son. I say what I have to say in person like I did yesterday. I was lucky and seats directly in front of the bullpen mound. I think he did better.

Dear Nick,
How 'bout kicking some of your signing bonus up to pops so we can move your mother, your sister, and me out of Singapore and back to the USA?
dad

Hey there, son. I know things have been rough for you lately, but hang in there, slugger! Don't let the other kids get to you. I know you'll turn things around soon. Then we'll show them what the Sugarman is really about! Keep at it, champ!

P.S. I turned your room into a sauna. Sorry.

Emmanuel,

Momma don't raise no fools. Shape up. Quick.

Mom.

but I think I just adopted Randy Messenger.

The big lug.

Dear Tyler,

I've heard that the Iraqi people are eternally grateful for the work you did to promote peace and understanding among the factions and between the dissidents and the USA, while you were recovering from Tommy John surgery.  I'm so proud of you.  Most American civilians in Baghdad would've stayed safely tucked away in the Green Zone.

But you, Tyler my son, have never been much of one to stay in the zone.

Love,

Multiphasic

P.S. Come home and meet your new brothers.  It's okay if you hate Jackson, everyone else already does.

Short and sweet:
Dear Randy, I was afraid you weren't a true Giant when you were with this team for so long without giving up a game winning homerun. Thanks to Eddie Gaedel in centerfield, you have finally arrived. Welcome to San Francisco, my son!!

The weather is here.  Wish you were lovely.

Signed,
The Padres

Dear Brad,
Your Ma and I are dang proud that you outlasted that other guy and became "the closer." You're still considered the closer even though the Giants never win right? I must admit I'm a little perturbed to be woken up every night with screams from your room that sound vaguely like A-Rod.  Your Ma is concerned that you won't be able to get past this hurdle. We're still very pleased with your performance so far. No matter how many game tying homeruns you give up, you're still not Benitez.

Sincerly,
PA

Dear Osiris,

You may have heard some rumors that I only adopted you for your quirky name, but don't believe a word of it. I've been proudly following your season, especially in April when you were lights out! Nice to see your boss has recognized your talent and you're getting to save some games - 3 now, isn't it? We've never had a closer in the family before.

Now, just work on getting your Ks back up and your walks back down. I know you can do it - remember you had K/9 of 11.89 and W/9 of just 1.76 last season in Augusta! Those 6.75 and 4.22 numbers for the season just don't look so great, but if you can keep up your June pace of 7.45 and 2.79, you'll do fine.

Remember, there's no rush to get to the majors...folks around here may not be quite ready for another Dominican closer quite yet, but by 2009 I'm sure everyone will have forgotten the name Benitez.

Love, "Papi"

Dave Roberts parents please pick up the white courtesy phone......

Dear Noah Lowry,

Congratulations on your season so far. Not only have you pinch hit and played right field, but put up the following impressive numbrers:

• ERA of 3.61 ERA, vs. a league ERA of 4.28
  
• ERA-plus of 118 (all career bests.)
  
• 15 starts so far (haven't missed a turn).
  
• One complete game.
  
• 94 2/3 innings pitched, 87 hits allowed
  
• 7 wins, 6 losses on a bad Giants squad

Areas for improvement:

• Not crazy about your 1.415 WHIP (vs. career 1.341 WHIP)
  
• 47 walks vs. 51 strike-outs... throw more strikes!

With August coming, hopefully you continue to build on this "career year." Noah Lowry, you are young, cheap, and skilled. Hopefully these trade rumors are bogus, and you continue your long, fruitful career with the Giants.

I love you, my adopted son.

Best of luck,
Kid Fresh

P.S. Don't forget to throw strikes!

Dear Notgardo, I knew you were meant for our family when I was at spring training and I screamed "I LOVE YOU ELIEZER!" and you blew a kiss to me and that cute kindergarten teacher from San Jose.

I was so horrified to hear you had gone down in a collision at the plate, but even more so to find out someone reporting to me had mistaken you for Bengie. You are much fleeter of foot than Bengie.

I hope you've been enjoying the care packages I've been sending you while you are recuperating, though they don't look touched when security sends them back to me -- I know you appreciate them nonetheless.

Get well soon and keep li'l Omar Alfonzo on the field. So proud of you and my little adopted grandson too.

Tu madre and biggest fan,
TK