Fun with Draper

by Josh from Hollywood on Jun 12, 2006 9:51 PM PDT

We all have our peccadillos. Maybe you're a neat freak, or you have 30 cats, or you can only reach orgasm by slitting the throat of a hooker. It's these odd little idiosyncrasies which make us all unique. Mine? I like to refer to my penis as "The Perfect Storm". I also like to make fun of the inane sentences Rich Draper includes in his recaps of Giants games on MLB.com. El Lefty Malo likes to call them "Draperisms". With a nod to him, and also FireJoeMorgan.com, here are a few of my favorites followed by my commentary:

"Wright, 5-3 with a getting-lower-every-outing 3.84 ERA, helped San Francisco to its sixth win in the last seven games and halted the Redbirds' five-game win skein with a sinker that defied gravity and defied the National League Central leaders to hit it."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but a sinker which defied gravity would actually be a BAD thing, right?

"Coming soon to a lane near you, watch Wright and teammate Scott Munter duel for strikes and strikeouts with their famed "bowling ball" offerings."

Would this be a duel to see who could strike out LESS batters?

"It's one of the more exciting plays in baseball.

Home runs? Not even close. Those are six-second moments of eyeballing a deep-space shot into the stands, then a boring trot around the bases. Instant run, but a ho-hum aftermath."

Oh yeah, nothing more boring than "eyeballing a deep-space shot into the stands". "Ho-hum" is the perfect word to describe it.

"There was never a doubt that Giants rookie pitcher Matt Cain could fire a baseball with hypersonic speed, but the trouble was his brain synapses were surging with too much voltage as well."

Uhh...

This FanPost is reader-generated, and it does not necessarily reflect the views of McCovey Chronicles. If the author uses filler to achieve the minimum word requirement, a moderator may edit the FanPost for his or her own amusement.

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Re: Fun with Draper

"...And they pay you cash.Which is just as good as money."

"Either you're yelling for us, or you're yelling at us." - bygone SF mgr with my initials, i.e. JB

by victor frankenstein on Jun 12, 2006 9:55 PM PDT reply actions

Re: Fun with Draper

Hey, we're in need of another "veteran catcher with saavy" can we bring back the Yog? The way we're going that'll make our avg. age slide down down a few years right?!?

How much do you think he's asking for to come out of retirement?

GET ON THIS NOW SABES...SPEND, SPEND, SPEND, till your daddy takes the T-Bird away !

DFA Alou the Elder !

by PacBellBoozer on Jun 12, 2006 10:02 PM PDT up reply actions

Re: Fun with Draper

So Timmah!, you'll have it if you get hurt at work and it hurts to work. which you won't need, because you're not going to have a job.

He blames Tomko and I blame Magowan, Alou, Morris, Benitez, El Dopo and a player to be named sooner rather than later--Lance Tool Niekro

by E Ticket on Jun 12, 2006 10:03 PM PDT up reply actions

Draper Follies!

"Durham knows the scenario well, as he's gamboled into the greenery multiple times on short flies, but he says if you watch him closely, he'll test the wind by throwing grass in the air, and a built-in compass seems to guide him to the right spot."

Gamboled into the greenery. Sounds like he's envisioning Sugarman at the Highland Games.

by tk on Jun 12, 2006 9:57 PM PDT reply actions

Re: Fun with Draper

...Did gyre and gambol in the greenery...

"Either you're yelling for us, or you're yelling at us." - bygone SF mgr with my initials, i.e. JB

by victor frankenstein on Jun 12, 2006 10:00 PM PDT reply actions

How about the product endorsements for

the King of Horse Piss

"'alice' was a very importent show to the hip-hop community, that show had mad flo" --pr0FF3ss0r_F4rnsw0rth

by SerpentX on Jun 12, 2006 10:14 PM PDT reply actions

My personal favorite

I wrote about this a while back here, but it still cracks me up...

"Fireworks came from third baseman Pedro Feliz, who is struggling offensively, but has a knack of rising to the occasional with men on base"

He said this at the beginning of May, when Feliz was hitting .200 with men on base and .148 with RISP.

At that time, for his career, Feliz was .254 with men on base and .240 with RISP.

Uh, what?

How is it that Draper is just allowed to lie like that?

I'd be the best at everything, but I'd need everyone else to either die or stop being better than me first.

by Daniel on Jun 12, 2006 11:06 PM PDT reply actions

Alliteration.

Last refuge of the hack. I originally mistyped "last refuse," and in retrospect, it's kinda apropos.

And for the record, a "gravity affirming sinker," while more correct, implies a certain easy-to-amazeness. "Hey look, I'm still on the ground! Gosh dang!"

"When I think of how many times the Enemy has tried to kill Gary Busey..."

by multiphasic on Jun 12, 2006 11:23 PM PDT reply actions

Haven't read Draper in a year

Sports fans who go to Draper for anything have TOO MUCH DAMN TIME on their hands.

Visiting all the good sites and then looking in on Draper is not taking baseball fanaticism to a higher level. It is dumbing down the Giant experience.

I suppose there is some unintentional comic relief in his malapropisms, but mostly he churns out bad, boring writing. To take him seriously enough to criticize him is flattery he does not deserve.

He's awful. But he is a PR guy doing adequately the job his PR bosses asked of him.

by Moggeee on Jun 12, 2006 11:30 PM PDT reply actions

Usually

when reading the MLB recap, I first go to the opposing team's recap, then I go to Draper to laugh...and cry.

I'd be the best at everything, but I'd need everyone else to either die or stop being better than me first.

by Daniel on Jun 12, 2006 11:45 PM PDT up reply actions

Do your loved ones know?

Daniel, Really.

I blush for you.

by Moggeee on Jun 12, 2006 11:58 PM PDT up reply actions

Re: Do your loved ones know?

I...I'm sorry.

I'd be the best at everything, but I'd need everyone else to either die or stop being better than me first.

by Daniel on Jun 13, 2006 7:35 PM PDT up reply actions

Re: Haven't read Draper in a year

Seriously. Why not just read the Chronicle's recap? Right after the game, they have the AP recap and usually never more than an hour or two after that, they have the Schulmann recap. And about four hours after that, it's the Schulmann recap sprinkled with quotes.

SFGate.com.

by Brother Bummer on Jun 13, 2006 9:36 AM PDT up reply actions

Re: Haven't read Draper in a year

It's all about the comic relief. Same reason the Bulwer-Lytton Awards exist.

Me gustan tomar mis copas / Aguardiente es lo mejor / También la tequila blanca / Con su sal le da sabor

by leftymalo on Jun 13, 2006 11:11 AM PDT up reply actions

Re: Fun with Draper

may be funny...but this guy gets paid to write

its just sad

i think he went to the jerry coleman school of baseball writing and broadcasting

Gaylord Perry and Willie McCovey should know each other like a book. They've been ex-teammates for years now."

"They throw (Dave) Winfield out at second -- and he's safe."

by bacci40 on Jun 13, 2006 12:51 AM PDT reply actions

Re: Fun with Draper

this is all very funny and very true. but today's mailbag is actually an improvement. i mean, not informative good, and he does do some of his trademark stat analysis (Matt Cain pitched with an eye-popping 0.00 ERA over his last inning) but he talks some smack about Benitez and Worrell, and I've never seen him say anything remotely negative about a Giants player until they're off the roster.

by SFfaninNYC on Jun 13, 2006 7:06 AM PDT reply actions