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The Dodgers are Evil

Bill Mueller, third baseman for the Dodgers. Bill Mueller. Dodgers.

This is like finding out your ex-girlfriend is dating again. Hey, great. We all have to move on. Then you find out she's already moved in with the guy. Okay, whatever. That's a little quick, but we just weren't a good fit together. Then you find out her new boyfriend is Pol Pot, and she spends her evenings drinking Chianti out of a gourd fashioned from the skull of a dissident.

Bill Mueller. Dodgers.

My password for this site was Mueller. It was a password I hadn't used anywhere on the internet since 2000, but it seemed to fit for this site. Every time I'd get ready to post an entry - a stunning, brilliant entry - I'd rap out the name Mueller on my keyboard. It was almost a rite of passage. No more. I'd sooner have NeifiLUV00 as a password than that of a Dodger.

To paraphrase Kenshin: We could do a lot worse than miss out on a 35-year old corner infielder with declining production. Mueller is no guarantee to hit better than he did in 2000, his longest go around in Mays Field, and that type of hitter is hardly an upgrade on even Pedro Feliz. Still, if there were one player to bake a fruitcake of sentimentality for, it was Mueller. He could have hit .250, and I still would have found nice things to say about him. I'd talk about him like Jim Barnett talks about Mike Dunleavy. I like what he did there. I like what he was trying to do. He hit to the opposite side of the field to advance the runner! That's one of the little things that doesn't show up in the box score! Did you see that?

Here's another little thing that doesn't show up in the box score: Every time a Dodger scores a run, an angel has its wings ripped off by a demon, and is forced to tearfully beg the demon to cauterize the wounds. The demon will refuse, and the sobbing angel will lie in a puddle of angel blood and feathers for eternity, wondering why the Dodgers are allowed to score runs. That's not me talking; that's science. I hope Mueller is happy to be a part of that.

Bill Mueller. Dodgers. I didn't think I'd take it this hard, but I am. It will be a nice experiment. I will never be able to boo Bill Mueller. I will never be able to refrain from booing a Dodger. Irresistable force meet immovable object. This'll be one for the scientific journals.

I wasn't around to see Marichal on the Dodgers, and never experienced Duke Snider on the Giants. So the Bizarro-world roster swapping between San Francisco and Los Angeles that can occasionally take place really doesn't have a precedent with me. There's no wishing him good luck. Just a single tear rolling down my cheek. Why, Billy? Why?

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Re: The Dodgers are Evil
If the Dodgers sign JT Snow, we will have proof that God is evil.

by Lorrimer on Dec 15, 2005 12:16 PM PST reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
I wouldn't go that far. Doesn't exist, maybe. Losing the battle for eternity, perhaps. Gnarled by his own twisted design for this mortal world, sure.

But let's not get offensive, here.

by Grant Brisbee on Dec 15, 2005 12:25 PM PST up reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
Baseball is the perfect metaphor for theology: Free Will = Free Agency.

It's messy, and bad things that you and I don't like do happen.

Bud Selig didn't want this to happen; Bud wants the best for everybody.  But if Bud made all the teams & all the players do the right thing, that wouldn't be the same as them wanting to do the right thing. Sure, Bud could create a world where every team & every player obeyed him robotically...but where's the love?

Now let's all stand and sing; won't you come to Jesus.........Alou?

by Lyle @ McCovey Chronicles on Dec 15, 2005 4:59 PM PST up reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
Lost in the shuffle is that Ned is continuing to spend money like a drunken sailor. $5 mil a year for a slap hitter? Seriously, how big a checkbook is McCourt handing out?  They're pushing 85 now according to hardball dollars, and I thought that was the whole shebang.
 As for Mueller himself, I never want to sign a position player coming from a hitter's park, or a pitcher coming from a pitcher's park.  You always pay for something that just isn't going to show up.

by prospecthound on Dec 15, 2005 12:24 PM PST reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
One can only hope that Bill knew that his career was about to take a serious downturn and instead of wasting the Giant's budget he knew he could help the team more by going over to the Dodgers and vehemently sucking.

by hammystyle on Dec 15, 2005 12:24 PM PST reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
"Every time a Dodger scores a run, an angel has its wings ripped off by a demon, and is forced to tearfully beg the demon to cauterize the wounds. The demon will refuse, and the sobbing angel will lie in a puddle of angel blood and feathers for eternity, wondering why the Dodgers are allowed to score runs. That's not me talking; that's science."

If it's done in a fairly small font, would anyone object to this paragraph being placed on the McC t-shirt?

by Kitspool on Dec 15, 2005 12:26 PM PST reply actions  

I LIKE IT!
Hours to Gross Anatomy final: 24

by kenshin1 on Dec 15, 2005 12:28 PM PST up reply actions  

err....
the above post was suppossed to go with the Mueller sabotaging the dodgers... sorry kits ;-)
Hours to Gross Anatomy final: 24

by kenshin1 on Dec 15, 2005 12:32 PM PST up reply actions  

That's cool
I'm down with the Mueller Sabotage Theory as well.

by Kitspool on Dec 15, 2005 12:40 PM PST up reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
I second that motion -- that paragraph made me spit out my water at work, while laughing.  F'n hilarious!

Mike.

Losing California Productions

by losingcalifornia on Dec 15, 2005 2:11 PM PST up reply actions  

Every time ...
I read this aloud to co-workers, to favorable reviews.

by Dan from NM on Dec 15, 2005 5:34 PM PST up reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
Posts like this are why this blog is so awesome.  Lessons about theology, physics and baseball all woven together into a single thread.

by War on Dec 15, 2005 12:58 PM PST reply actions  

When Mueller comes up
Just take a sip of beer, go to the john, or turn around to talk to the girl behind you. That way, you don't have to boo Mueller, but yu don't have to think about NOT booing a Dodger. Problem solved.

by tk on Dec 15, 2005 1:49 PM PST reply actions  

dude's engaged....
His fiancee might not be too happy if he took option 3
Hours to Gross Anatomy final: 24

by kenshin1 on Dec 15, 2005 2:08 PM PST up reply actions  

In that case
... Look into your fiancee's eyes every Mueller at-bat and think about how much you love her. Anything but thinking of that guy in a Dodgers uni!

by tk on Dec 15, 2005 2:09 PM PST up reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
What will our reaction be when Dusty is hired as the Doyers' manager next year?

by Cleophus on Dec 15, 2005 1:51 PM PST reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
I went to the 5/2/64 SF @ LA game in which ex-Dodger Duke Snider hit a 2-run home run for the Giants off of Joe Moeller in the top of the 9th inning to tie the game at 4-4.  The Giants won the game 5-4 in 12 innings.  That was the only multiple home run game Frank Howard ever had at Dodger Stadium.  Both of Hondo's home runs were hit off of Bob Hendley.

From 1963 to 1969 my grandfather took this Angel/Dodger fan to a dozen Giant games at Candlestick Park.  My grandfather had access to the box seats on the 3rd base side belonging to Crocker Anglo Bank.  Later mergers changed the bank's name to Crocker Citizens and Crocker National before Midland Bank in the U.K. gobbled Crocker up.

I am glad the Giants made it to the 2002 World Series.  The Angels 7th game win gave southern California a 2-1 Series lead lifetime.  The Athletics and Dodgers split a pair of Series (in 1974 and 1988).  Twice a southern California team won the clinching game of the World Series at home (1963 Dodgers Game 4 and 2002 Angels Game 7).  I went to both of those games.  I also saw the 1973 Oakland A's win WS Game 7 at home.  No San Francisco Giant fan can make that claim about his team.  The Giants are playing with the deck of 51:  the last time the Giants won the World Series was 1954.  There have been 51 seasons since then.  Here's hoping the Giants get a full deck in 2006!

by Yetijuice on Dec 15, 2005 1:55 PM PST reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
??????

Harmless woolgathering, or boringest trash-talk ever?

by Evan on Dec 15, 2005 5:25 PM PST up reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
really stinky bait.. just swim on by
i porked my username, but wtfgas anyway?

by E Ticket on Dec 15, 2005 10:01 PM PST up reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
Great post!

"Here's another little thing that doesn't show up in the box score: Every time a Dodger scores a run, an angel has its wings ripped off by a demon..."

Well that explains why Arturo Moreno has signed all those players.  And no wonder the Giants could not win the past 11 years and totally explain 1993 and 2002, they had a latent demon in their midst.  If we do a cleansing ritual, perhaps we can be purified and made whole again.

I have been wondering where Sheriff Ned is getting his money as well, protestation of a lack of a budget from McCourt or not.  Could it be SATAN!?!?!  He saved some money getting rid of Bradley and now he has a 3B, but he still need starting pitching, a 1B, outfielders.  

Will he go Wal-Mart shopping on Dec. 20th?  Or go dumpster diving in Jan/Feb, like the Pirates and Royals always seem to do (and maybe sign Tomko then to a $1.25M contract, with $1M deferred, and a team option for $2.5M)?  

But if he's already at $85M for 2006, his next move is probably a big trade to dump salary, meaning either Lowe or Drew could go (lots of pitching prospects to replace for the former, injury question mark for the latter), though I guess it could be ironic and appropo if he goes and for his first mega-trade, trade Jeff Kent to Cleveland for an unproven but very promising 2B, a strong reliever who thinks he's a starter, a prospect reliever, and a utility/starting SS.

I'm hoping for the sabotage theory as well, he was a nice guy after all.  As I noted on the other thread, he hasn't hit well in Dodger Stadium previously, so perhaps he's like Grissom, who could hit anywhere else, just not at Dodger Stadium, an apparent hellmouth where angels are thrown to the demons.  Baseball Prospectus listed him at 33% for Collapse in 2005, so the odds should get higher for collapse with another year in the bag.  To be fair, they also listed him as 30% for improvement.  

by Martin BiasedGiantsFanatic on Dec 15, 2005 2:22 PM PST reply actions  

Angel Wings
Brilliant, absolutely postitively f***ing brilliant (re: comment on angel wings and demons).  It will be a sad, sad sight to see Billy M. in Dodger blue.  I will feel blue and am ambivalent right now as to whether to boo or not to boo.  He was a positive influence when he wore the Orange and Black, a home grown product, one of the few positive position players in the past few decades.  What has the world come to when someone like Billy M. can sell his soul for filthy lucre.  Hopefully, it will be the results proffered by hammystyle - hopefully, he sucks and is a waste of McCourt's money.  I am saddened today.

by APGiantsFan on Dec 15, 2005 2:25 PM PST reply actions  

Grant's post reminded me of this
Recently I came upon this amazing article from the New York Post archives. I apologize for its length.

December 13, 1956 -- TRADE TO GIANTS STUNS JACKIE AND HIS FAMILY

The children rushed to the door to meet the Mr. and Mrs. Jackie Robinson when they got home from the city Wednesday night. There was Jackie Jr., who is 10; Sharon, who is 7, and David, who is 4. By that time Jackie knew he was no longer a Dodger, but his concern was only for his oldest child.

"Come on with me," the ex-Dodger said to his son. They went into the boy's bedroom of the beautiful Stamford house. The mother and her other children went into the dining room.

"I have bad news for you," Robinson said to young Jackie.

The kid stared at him. "What bad news, Dad?"

"I've been traded to the Giants," Jackie said.

"Dad, you're kidding me," Jackie Jr. said. "You don't mean it. You're fooling."

"No, it's true," the father said.

"I don't believe it. I don't believe it," the boy cried, running from the room. "I'll ask mommy."

But the kid didn't ask mommy. Instead, he went to another room and it was there Rachel Robinson found her son sobbing, as though his heart would break.

"Daddy said he got traded to the Giants," Jackie Jr. said.

"It's true," his mother said. "That's the way baseball is. You've got to learn to accept these things and understand them. Now it hasn't been announced yet. Tomorrow don't say anything in school. Don't tell your friends."

"If it hasn't been announced," Jackie Jr. said, "maybe it won't happen. Maybe they'll change their minds and he'll stay with the Dodgers."

They didn't change their minds and the deal (for pitcher Dick Littlefield and $30,000) was announced yesterday while Jackie Jr. was in school and while he was there an era came to an end in baseball. Their home was overrun with photographers and Rachel Robinson tried to explain to me what it all meant.

"I started [Jackie Jr.] out at Ebbets Field when he as four months old," Rachel told me. "He's been going to Ebbets Field ever since. He knows everybody -- Griff [the clubhouse man], Doc [trainer Doc Wendler], all the ushers and players. he just feels he belongs there. He's known all along his father could be traded, but I guess he never really understood it. I guess he thought his father was an institution in Brooklyn."

The father did, too, after 10 years. He told me yesterday he never expected to be traded. "I thought I'd be allowed to finish my career with the fellows," he said.

Yet Wednesday afternoon as the Robinsons were going into New York for several appointments, they knew Vice President Buzzy Bavasi was trying to reach Jackie.

When Jackie called Buzzy, he heard about the trade. "What'll you do?" Buzzy asked.

"I want to think about it," Jackie said.

He came out of the phone booth. Rachel and Martin Stone, Jackie's friend and business adviser, were waiting.

"I've been traded," Jackie said, "to the Giants."

Rachel was astonished. For a moment she couldn't speak. "Her mouth came open and she stood there," Jackie told me.

The Robinsons drove back to Stamford then. They talked about the pros and cons of Jackie joining the Giants. He still hasn't decided, but at that moment, their chief concern was their son.

"He'll be hurt," Jackie said.

"He can't hear it on radio or TV," Rachel said. "You've got to tell him."

POST-SCRIPT

Robinson decided on April 10, 1957 to retire rather than accept the Giants' $60,000 contract offer.

by FavoriteSpring on Dec 15, 2005 2:31 PM PST reply actions  

Re: Grant's post reminded me of this
So what you're telling me is that the Dodgers stole a pitcher and $30K from us?!?

Thanks, great article!  I wonder what's his $60K in today's dollars?  Puny compared to today's salaries, but I would bet that it's somewhere between $500K and $1M.  Amazing that ol' Horace still trusted the O'Malley's after that stunt, and agreed to move out West together.

Can you imagine if the teams had switched locations?  We'd be wearing cheesey goatees and wearing Romulan unis (at least if life worked the way that Star Trek episode worked when they entered a negative universe).  

by Martin BiasedGiantsFanatic on Dec 15, 2005 2:41 PM PST up reply actions  

About Billy Mueller
Bill Mueller was my son's very first Favorite Giants Player, along with Ellis Burks. Fortunately for him, only I still remember this.

Others who later attained that lofty status included JT, Woody, Jerome and, of course, Barry.

Being a baseball fan is hard on the soul.

by FavoriteSpring on Dec 15, 2005 3:00 PM PST reply actions  

You never know
Maybe Mueller and Jeff Kent will get into a baseball bat fight because Jeff doesn't know how to talk to Caucasian-Americans.  Then Mueller will demand a trade to another West Coast National League Team with a chance of making the playoffs.

by orangeandblackattack on Dec 15, 2005 3:01 PM PST reply actions  

I'll see if I can make it
To the first Giants Dodgers game to give him some applause.  And if I can find him pre-game, I'll give him my sympathies for killing so many angels.
So who's ready to commit Sabeanocide?

by WalrusMan on Dec 15, 2005 3:03 PM PST reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
F*** Mueller.  He's a Doyer now.  Therefore he is scum.  It should be automatic that he gets booed.

by Cleophus on Dec 15, 2005 3:21 PM PST reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
Grant, that is one of the best posts I've ever read!!!  I too am having great difficulty picturing mueller in a dodger uniform....I can't stand it, I feel like I did when brett butler went to l a and said it was where he always wanted to be......he got booed, loud and long.  Mueller must be booed, it sucks but he made the choice to go there and he must face the music....
Waiting for a ring

by Uribe2Thompson2Clark on Dec 15, 2005 3:50 PM PST reply actions  

To offer some sober (ok I'm kerfuffled) reflection
It's quite amazing to see how a guy who played less than 5 full seasons on a team has built such a following, though I really need to preface that save Bonds and Juicy Schmidt, Mueller has been my favorite Giant since the Matty/Nuschler days, even without a doubt my favorite non-Giant in recent years. I can think of a couple of reasons, some more reasonable than others, but it really is surprising!

by Leee @ McCovey Chronicles on Dec 15, 2005 3:56 PM PST reply actions  

Re:
Most productive position player developed by the Giants since Matt Williams, and one of the only bright spots of 1996. That combination has mileage.

by Grant Brisbee on Dec 15, 2005 4:02 PM PST up reply actions  

More productive than....
Richie Rich?
14 Hours to Gross Anatomy final... 16 Hours to drunken debauchery

by kenshin1 on Dec 15, 2005 4:03 PM PST up reply actions  

Re: More productive than....
Rich had the stink of the Rangers farm system on him. I'm talking real product of the farm; draft, development, and the rest.

by Grant Brisbee on Dec 15, 2005 4:11 PM PST up reply actions  

Re: More productive than....
I forgot to account for the home-grown aspect, but then, why not Feliz? I really hope it's not an issue about playing the right (re: white) way (e.g. advancing the runner w/ less than 2 outs) (this was one of the unreasonable reasons I alluded to), because that would reflect poorly on me as a liberal humanist!

Then again, I always have a soft spot for a 3bman who's got a slick glove.

by Leee @ McCovey Chronicles on Dec 15, 2005 4:14 PM PST up reply actions  

Re: More productive than....
Billy actually, and correct me if I'm wrong here, has had a thought while on the field. Pedro is still waiting. I don't care if a player is white, brown, black, plaid, or whatever, if they approach hitting like Feliz does, they'll bug the hell out of me.

Mueller was a Moneyball-type, too. Taking walks, etc.... That was a definite rarity for the Giants then, and still ain't common. Barry excepted, of course.

by Grant Brisbee on Dec 15, 2005 4:21 PM PST up reply actions  

Re: More productive than....
I assume you mean Rich Aurilia:  we got him in the John Burkett trade with Texas.

Never figured out that trade.  We sent him to Texas for Aurilia and another prospect but then somehow he becomes a free agent before the next season starts (I think they were playing a shortened spring training due to a strike) and Texas essentially loses Aurilia and the prospect for nothing (don't know if they got a draft pick out of it but I doubt it).  

by Martin BiasedGiantsFanatic on Dec 15, 2005 4:12 PM PST up reply actions  

Re:
Wow, that's right, and it's a steep fall from him to, what, Benard, Rio, Magruder, Hydzu, Minor, Calvin Murray, Ramon Martinez.  Ellison's and Niekro's season probably ranks in the top 5 of position players since Matty.  Ooops, forgot about Feliz and Torrealba too.  

Sad - I can still remember when it seemed like the entire majors was littered with Giants position prospects who we frittered away and they were enjoying success (i.e. teams winning pennants and world series) elsewhere while we had another "wait 'til next year" type of season.  

by Martin BiasedGiantsFanatic on Dec 15, 2005 4:21 PM PST up reply actions  

Re:
I like Mueller, but that could define the phrase, "damning with faint phrase." The Giants farm system has been an engine for trades and little else.

by Sayhey on Dec 15, 2005 4:31 PM PST up reply actions  

Re:
Sorry, that pithy comment should read "damning with faint PRAISE"! Oh, well.

by Sayhey on Dec 15, 2005 4:34 PM PST up reply actions  

Re:
Ahhh...1996.  If memory serves SI had big plans for us that year, with VanLaunchingpad featured on the cover.  Please God do not let Matt Cain...sorry I can't say it.  The only positive memory I have from 1996 was Peter McGowen hooking up our American Legion team with a luxury box to a random July/August afternoon game.  The 'pad got lit up by the Mets and I almost lost a hand trying to barehand a Glenallen Hill line drive in BP.
"San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina" - Ron Burgundy

by W8ingForATitle on Dec 16, 2005 12:30 AM PST up reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
Am I the only one who thinks Jimmy Davenport when Mueller's name is mentioned, except Jimmy did it longer and better? I'd rather see Mueller as a Dodger than J.T. And we won't really see much because he's wearing down. I expect he'll be on the DL more than the field, not that I wish it on him.

by NearestNorwich on Dec 15, 2005 5:42 PM PST reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
It didn't sound like Mueller gave us a second thought while choosing teams.  He moved on long ago and if he can move on, well hell, I'll boo him.  

-D

by dw4848 on Dec 15, 2005 9:39 PM PST reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
Na - I doubt the Giants pursued him that seriously, given they have 2 other 3b at the moment, one with an albratross of a contract. Can't blame the guy. Here's hoping for Billy to have a great season on the 0-162 Dodgers.

by Aadik on Dec 15, 2005 9:46 PM PST reply actions  

Wow
I honestly feel that Grant is the funniest sports writer I've ever read.

Seriously.

by antinous on Dec 15, 2005 11:37 PM PST reply actions  

Re: The Dodgers are Evil
if he wears dodger diapars he deserves a soup ladle coated in acid shoved up his ass. fuck him..he is now the enemy.

BOOOOOOOO you moronic syphillitic blue-blooded sack of yak dung.  maybe  the mccorts will let you drive them around in their rolls on the way to legoland?  maybe lasorda will let u kiss his autographed picture of Frank Sinatra?  Bet it will be pretty cool lockering next to Kent telling negro jokes. hell, maybe you can leave in the 7th inning too along with the so-called fans. ya know. rob "meathead" reiner is a big fan of blue undies too.  maybe he'll get you a role with orlando bloom's new flick.."the kingdom of hell" which is where you now reside u evil low-life prick.  

nice choice of organizations.  the best thing the dickheads in LA have done lately is perfect the art of  asyphixyation for 162 games.  that makes sense since that miserable excuse of an overrich franchise is nothing but a collection of star-struck jag-offs anyway.  Have a nice 6 months battling the Rox for last place.  btw... i expect ned the head to sign tomko anyday now. have fun
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

oh yeah. in case i forgot.  fuck you.

i porked my username, but wtfgas anyway?

by E Ticket on Dec 16, 2005 3:05 PM PST reply actions  

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